Avenida Q México Música: Robert Lopez y Jeff Marx Letra: Robert Lopez y Jeff Marx Libreto: Jeff Whitty Acto I
Acto II
• El Tema de la Avenida Q
• Propósito (Reprise)
• ¿Qué voy a hacer con mi
• Hay Vida Afuera de tu
Licenciatura?
Apartamento
• Que Pinche ser Yo
• Mientras más lo Amas
• Si Fueras Gay
• Schadenfreude
• Propósito
• Quisiera volver a la
• Racistas
Universidad
• Porno
• La canción
• Mixtape: “Un Disco”
• Escuela para los Monstruos
• Hoy no traigo Ropa Interior
• Dame un Pesito (Reprise)
• Especial
• Hay una Línea (Reprise)
• Hay que Portarse Mal (Cuando
• Qué voy a hacer con mi
Haces el Amor) • Fantasias se Hacen Realidad • Mi Novia, que Vive en Canadá • Hay una Línea Muy, Muy Delgada
Licenciatura (Reprise) • Solo por Hoy
PRIMER ACTO EL TEMA DE AVENIDA Q [La Compañía] EL SOL SALIO, UN NUEVO DIA EMPEZO, EL DIA ES PERFECTO PARA IRTE A JUGAR. MAS TIENES DEUDAS QUE PAGAR HAY QUE TRABAJAR. TRABAJAS DURO Y TE PAGAN MAL LAS HORAS PASAN Y MUY LENTO VAN Y CUANDO LLEGUE EL FINAL HAY QUE REGRESAR A LA AVENIDA Q QUE QUEDA EN CASA DE Q TUS CUATES Y TU TU, TU Y TU VIVEN EN CASA DEL CU VIVES EN CASA DEL CU VIVES EN CASA DEL CU!
¿QUE VOY A HACER CON MI LICENCIATURA? Eugenio aparece, en toga de graduación, sosteniendo su diploma. [Eugenio] What do you do with a B.A. in English? What is my life going to be? 4 years of college, And plenty of knowledge, Have earned me this useless degree! I can’t pay the bills yet, ‘Cause I have no skills yet, The world is a big scary place! But somehow I can’t shake, The feeling I might make, A difference to the human race!
Sale corriendo mientras las luces de se van encendiendo en Avenida Q, una calle en ruinas pero hogareña, en las muy afueras de la Ciudad de New York. En un edificio cuelga el letrero de “Se Renta Apartamento.”
QUE PINCHE SER YO [Katy Monster] Buenos días Brian! [Brian] Hola, Katy Monster [Katy Monster] ¿Cómo te va? [Brian] Desepcionado [Katy Monster] ¿Qué pasa? [Brian] Me despidieron de la empresa para la que trabajaba [Katy Monster] Que pena! Lo siento mucho! [Brian] No pues yo más! Mírame, hace 10 años que salí de la universidad, Yo siempre pensé... [Katy Monster] ¿Qué? [Brian] No, no no puedo… [Katy Monster] Orale dímelo!
[Brian] Es que… CUANDO ERA NIÑO, SOÑABA CON SER [Katy Monster] ¿Qué? [Brian] UN COMEDIANTE QUE SALE EN TV! [Katy Monster] hahahahaha oooh [Brian] AH PERO MI SUEÑO VEO QUE NO SE CUMPLIO NO SOY… [Katy Monster] no [Brian] AY NO, [Katy Monster] mmmmmm [Brian] QUE PINCHE SER YO! [Katy Monster] nooooooo [Brian] QUE PINCHE SER YO! [Katy Monster] nooooooo [Katy Monster] QUE PINCHE ESTAR ROTO, DESEMPLEADO Y TENER 32! QUE PINCHE SER YO!
[Katy Monster] ¿Tú piensas que tu vida es una mierda? [Brian] Ajaaa! [Katy Monster] Tus problemas no son nada! YO SOY BONITA BONITA Y SAGAZ. [Brian] Y muuy… [Katy Monster] Gracias! ME GUSTA EL ARTE Y SALIR A PASEAR SIGO MODALES, TENGO UN GRAN CORAZON PORQUE? NO ENCUENTRO UN GALAN? Chin! QUE PINCHE SER YO! [Brian] Nooo, Yo! [Katy Monster] QUE PINCHE SER YO! [Brian] QUE PINCHE SER YO! QUE PINCHE SER BRIAN! [Katy Monster] Y YO KATE! [Brian] NO TENER QUE HACER [Katy Monster] DIETAS SIN UN “DATE” [Ambos] QUE PINCHE SER YO!
[Rodri/Nicky alegando] Ya, ya, ya (No eres mi mama!) [Brian] Hola Nicky y Rodri ¿Nos pueden aclarar una duda? [Rodri] Claro! [Katy Monster] ¿Qué vida les parece más pinche, la de Brian o la mía? [Rodri y Nicky] La nuestra! [Rodri] VIVIMOS JUNTOS [Nicky] Y MI SIAMES PODRIA SER [Rodri] INSEPARABLES SIEMPRE [Nicky] DESDE QUE LO SALUDE [Rodri] ASI QUE EL SABE MIL MANERAS DE HACERME RABIAR!! [Nicky] ¿Qué? [Rodri] OH! CADA DIA ES UNA PINCHE FRIEGA [Nicky] NO ES CIERTO EL EXAGERA [Rodri] NO HALZAS TU ROPA, Y A TI TE APESTAN LOS PIES [Nicky]
¿A si? TU ERES RARITO Y HASTA TE DESCUBRI UN BRASIERE! [Rodri] LOGRASTE CONVERTIR MI CASA EN UN MULADAR INFERNAL! [Nicky] YO TAMBIEN! [Rodri] INFERNAL! [Nicky] VIVO AHI! [Rodri] QUE PINCHE SER YO! [Nicky] NO QUE PINCHE SER YO! [Katy Monster] QUE PINCHE SER YO!! [Brian] QUE PINCHE SER YO!! [Todos] ¿SI HAY ALGUIEN QUE AQUÍ VIVA Y NO PIENSE ASI? QUE PINCHE SER YO! LA RA LA LA LA LA RA LA LA LA LA RA LA LA LA LA RA LA LA LA [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Brian ¿Qué haces? [Brian] Mierda! [Todos] LA RA LA LA LA LA RA LA LA LA
[Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Y ustedes ¿Polqué tan contentos? [Nicky] Porque nuestras vidas son una mierda! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] SU VIDA UNA MIELDA? LO ESCUCHO COLECTO? JA! YO LLEGUE PAIS, POL OPOLTUNIDAD TLABAJO DE DIA EN CAFÉ DE CHINOS Y YO SOY DE JAPÓN! ESTUDIAL DULO POL TITULO PLOFESIONAL TELAPIA YO DOY Y NO TENGO CLIENTES PLOMETIDO ES INUTIL, Y TENGO DEUDAS QUE PAGAL! QUE PINCHE SEL YO! QUE PINCHE SEL YO! YO DIGO PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE PINCHE, PINCHE, PINCHE COMO VE? QUE PINCHE SEL YO! [Eugenio] Ah, disculpen, [Brian] Hola [Eugenio] hola estoy buscando un lugar para rentar [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] ¿Polqué buscal pol estos lumbos? [Eugenio] Bueno, empecé por la Avenida A, Pero hasta ahorita todo está fuera de mi presupuesto, y este barrio se ve bastante barato. Ah y ahí se ve un letrero de “Se Renta”!
[Brian] Ah tienes que hablar con el portero, espérame ahorita le hablo! [Eugenio] Gracias! [Brian] Carlitos!! [Carlitos Espejel] Ya voy Ya voy! [Eugenio] No mames es el Carlitos! [Carlitos Espejel] Pa’ servir a usted! SOY EL PORTERO, Y ESTRELLA INFANTIL. ROBARON MI DINERO PAPA SE HIZO UN JARDIN NO SALGO DE DIA TODOS SE RIEN DE MI PERO AQUÍ PORTERO YO SOY EN CASA DEL Q! [Todos] QUE PINCHE SER TU! [Katy Monster] Tu ganas! [Todos] QUE PINCHE SER TU! [Brian] Ya me siento menos pinche! [Carlitos Espejel] Intenta vivir subiendo videos en la red diciendo “Uyyy que mello”
Ya chole no? [Todos] QUE PINCHE SER TU! EN CASA DE Q!! (QUE PINCHE SER YO!) EN CASA DE Q! (QUE PINCHE SER TU!) EN CASA DE Q (QUE PINCHE SER YO!) ESTAMOS JUNTOS! ESTAMOS JUNTOS! SI! EN CASA DE Q VIVIMOS EN CASA DE Q TU Y TU TU, TU, SUEÑOS Y TU! VIVIMOS EN CASA DE Q [Eugenio] Esta es la realidad! [Todos] VIVIMOS EN CASA DE TU [Nicky] Te va a encantar! [Todos] VIVIMOS EN CASA DE TU [Carlitos Espejel] Aquí están las llaves! [Todos] Bienvenido a la Avenida Q!
ESCENA 1 BRIAN So... What’s your name? PRINCETON I’m Princeton.
BRIAN Hey! Buddy! I’m Brian, and this is my fiancé... CHRISTMAS EVE My name Christmas Eve. You so cute... very handsome... you single? PRINCETON Yeah! CE Because she single... KATE OH! Christmas Eve! BRIAN That’s Kate Monster. She lives in our building PRINCETON Oh! Hi! KATE Hi! (Trekkie monster throws a garbage bag out of his window). GARY COLEMAN Trekkie! TREKKIE Ooooh! BRIAN Morning, Trekkie! TREKKIE Oh!, me no time to talk. Me busy... (He closes the window) BRIAN And that’s Trekkie Monster CE He a pervert. You no spending time with him GARY Come on inside, kiddo! I’ll show you the place
PRINCETON Oh! Great! GARY We have many distinguished people on their best interest in this one, I trust? PRINCETON No kidding! GARY Mmmmm...!!! (Princeton and Gary leave.) CE So, what you think, Kate Monster? He cute, right? KATE Yeah! CE Ha, ha,ha... You go get him. A man responds to an agressive woman. (To Brian) You! Go get job! BRIAN Ok, I’m going! (He leaves) CE See? (They leave).
SI FUERAS GAY En el departamento de Rodri y Nicky [Rodri] Ahhh! Una tarde a solas con mi libro favorito "Musicales de Broadway de 1940" ¡No hay nadie que me moleste ¿Que podría ser mejor que esto? [Nicky]
¡Hola Rodri! [Rodri] Hola Nicky [Nicky] Rodri, no vas a imaginar lo que me paso en el metro esta mañana Estaba este wey sonriéndome, queriendo hablar conmigo. [Rodri] Oh... que interesante [Nicky] ¡Ujum! El era muuuy amigable hasta creo que intento ligarme, tal vez había pensado que yo era gay...! [Rodri] ¿Y porque me estas contando esto? ¿Qué me importaría? No me importa ¿Qué vamos a comer hoy? [Nicky] Nu tienes por qué estar a la defensiva [Rodri] ¡No estoy a la defensiva! ¿Por qué crees que me va a importar que conociste a un gay? estoy tratando de leer [Nicky] Bueno… no quise molestarte con eso Rodri, solo pensé que sería un buen tema de conversación eso es todo
[Rodri] Pues no quiero hablar de eso asi que esta conversación se acabó [Nicky] Si, pero... [Rodri] ¡Se acabo! [Nicky] Bueno, okay, pero nada más para que lo sepas — SI FUERAS GAY ESTARIA OKAY. HAY NO SEAS GUEY, SEGUIRIAS SIENDO EL REY. [Rodri] Ahhhh!!! [Nicky] SI FUERA ASI, YO ESTARIA AQUI, DECIR SOY GAY Y NO SOY GAY [Rodri] Nicky, por favor! estoy tratando de leer.... Queee?! [Nicky] SI FUERAS PUÑAL NO ESTARIA MAL ERES MI CARNAL AUNQUE SEAS CONTROVERSIAL [Rodri] Ay, Nicolás!
[Nicky] SI FUERA REAL, DIRIA QUE ANORMAL SI DIJERAS SIN CHISTAR HEY QUE CREES QUE SOY GAY (AUNQUE NO SOY GAY) [Nicky] DISFRUTO CONTIGO ESTAR PORQUE ME HA DE IMPORTAR QUE TE GUSTE POR ATRÁS [Rodri] Nicolás que asco! [Nicky] No, no, no no, no! [Nicky] SI FUERAS GAY [Rodri] lara lara lara lara! [Nicky] UNO FUERA CULEY POR HACERME GUEY Y SALIRTE DEL POPOTE SI FUERA ASI YO ESTARIA AQUÍ APOYANDOTE SIN CESAR Y DECIR QUE NO ESTA MAL NO ES PECADO CAPITAL QUE NACISTE HOMOSEXUAL SI FUERAS GAY [Rodri] Argh!
ESCENA 2
[Eugenio] Hey Gary! Thanks for helping me move in GARY No sweat! And look, you got your first ...mail .What’s in these boxes? Anything good? [Eugenio] Well, my parents sent my stuff from home GARY How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill, your credit card bill, your phone bill, your cell phone bill... [Eugenio] Oh, my god! GARY You gotta get money [Eugenio] Oh, I’ll start work tomorrow(The phone rings). GARY Gaaaaary Coleman! Oh, it’s for you. [Eugenio] Oh, thank you. Hello? Oh, hi! (To Gary) It’s my job. (Into the phone) I can’t wait to meet all of you tomorrow... oh, I’m sorry, I can barely hear you. What’s that sound in the background? A paper shredder! But... the company can’t be folding! Well, how am I suppose to live? Hello? GARY Oh, kid! Don’t look so long in the face! You know what they say? If you rearrange the letters in “unemployed” it spells “opportunity”. [Eugenio] What?! GARY Here’s a bit of advice. Never underestimate the power of long range
plan. If life gets you down just sit on your ass and let it pass goodbye. Take it from someone who learnt it the hard way. Gary Coleman. (He leaves) [Eugenio] Maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe I’m not meant to work in some damn office for the rest of my life. Maybe... maybe I have a higher purpose! VIDEO VOICE What’s a purpose? A purpose is direction to your life. It could be a job, a family. It could be the persuit of knowledge or wealth. Everybody’s purpose is different. The best thing about a purpose is that it gives your life... meaning. [Eugenio] I want a purpose!
PROPOSITO [Eugenio] PURPOSE, IT'S THAT LITTLE FLAME THAT LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER YOUR ASS. PURPOSE, IT KEEPS YOU GOING STRONG LIKE A CAR WITH A FULL TANK OF GAS. EVERYONE ELSE HAS A PURPOSE SO WHAT'S MINE? Oh, look! Here's a penny! It's from the year I was born! IT'S A SIGN! BA-BA-BA-BA DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNOW, BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GONNA LOOK, BUT I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE. GOTTA FIND OUT, DON'T WANNA WAIT! GOT TO MAKE SURE THAT MY LIFE WILL BE GREAT! GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. [Moving Boxes and Others] HE'S GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE [Eugenio] WHOA OOH OH [Eugenio] I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE
[Moving Boxes and Others] GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE
[Moving Boxes and Others] HE'S GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE [Eugenio] YEAAAH YEAH YEA [Princeton] I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE
[Moving Boxes and Others] GONNA FIND HIS PURPOSE
[Eugenio] COULD BE FAR. COULD BE NEAR. COULD TAKE A WEEK A MONTH A YEAR AT A JOB. OR SMOKING GRASS. HA! MAYBE YET A POTTERY CLASS COULD IT BE? YES IT COULD! SOMETHING IS COMING SOMETHING GOOD!
[Moving Boxes and Others] UUUUUH UUUUUH UUUUUH UUH MAYBE MORE AT A JOB. SMOKING GRASS A POTTERY CLASS WOULD BE COOL... UUH YES IT COULD! SOMETHING GOOD!
[Moving Boxes and Others] WHOA OOH OH [Eugenio] I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE YEAH!
[Moving Boxes and Others] GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE
[Moving Boxes and Others] YOU’RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE FOR [Eugenio] WHOA OOH OH [Eugenio] I'M GONNA FIND IT
[Moving Boxes and Others] GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE
[Eugenio] WHAT WILL IT BE? WHERE WILL IT BE? MY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS A MYSTERY GOTTA FIND MY PURPOSE GOTTA FIND ME
[Moving Boxes and Others]
PURPOSE IS A MYSTERY GOTA FIND-GOTTA FIND IT!
[Moving Boxes and Others] YOU’RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE FOR [Eugenio] WHOA OOH OH [Eugenio] I'M GONNA FIND MY PURPOSE
[Moving Boxes and Others] YOU’RE GONNA FIND IT
[Moving Boxes and Others] YOU’RE GONNA FIND YOUR PURPOSE FOR [Eugenio] PURPOSE PURPOSE PURPOSE YEAH [Eugenio] I GOTTA FIND ME!
[Moving Boxes and Others] YOU’RE GONNA FIND
ESCENA 3 [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] My purpose in life is to help people find themselves. BRIAN My purpose in life is to make people laugh and make money doing it. GARY My greatest fear is that I’ve already achieved my damn purpose in life and from then on I’ve been on a slow tiresome walk to the grave. (Kate Monster comes in). PRINCETON Oh, hey Kate Monster! KATE Princeton! Hi! PRINCETON See, Kate. Can I ask you a question? KATE Sure PRINCETON What’s your purpose in life? KATE Oh! Well.. I’m a kindergarten teaching assistant PRINCETON Right. But what’s your purpose, your dream, your mission? KATE Nobody ever wants to know that PRINCETON I do KATE Well, since you ask... I... oh, no, I can’t. I barely know you.
PRINCETON Oh, come on! KATE Ok. When I was a little monster I always wished I had a special place I could go. A special school, only for monsters. Sure it’s important to learn about the great favors of western civilization but so much of the canon leaves out monster art and history. And we? Our donation? It was always my dream to start that special school for monsters. So that, in short, is my purpose. PRINCETON He! KATE Oh, but I’m not an “ed kid”. I like to have fun and... party! PRINCETON So, you are eager on the monster stuff. KATE MONSTER Aha.
RACISTAS [Eugenio] Oye Katy, ¿Te puedo preguntar algo? [Katy Monster] ¡Claro! [Eugenio] Bueno, ¿Conoces a Trekkie Monster del Segundo piso? [Katy Monster] ¡Ah ja! [Eugenio] Bueno, el es Trekkie Monster, y tu eres Kate Monster.
[Katy Monster] Así es [Eugenio] Los dos son Monster [Kate Monster] Siii… [Eugenio] ¿Son parientes? [Katy Monster] ¿Quee? ¡Eugenio, me sorprendes! ¡Eso me parece un poco racista! [Eugenio] ¡Oh, lo siento! ¡Solo preguntaba! [Katy Monster] Mira, ese es un tema muy delicado No, no todos los Monsters somos parientes ¿Que tratas de decir, eh? ¿Que todos somos iguales para tí? ¿Eh, eh, eeeeh? [Eugenio] No, no, no, para nada. Lo siento, Creo que eso fue un poco racista. [Katy Monster] Yo diría. Deberías de tener más cuidado con lo que dices sobre el sensible tema de las razas [Eugenio] ¡Pues mira quién habla! [Katy Monster] ¿Que quieres decir?
[Eugenio] ¿Que tal con la Escuela para Monstruos de la que me hablaste? [Katy Monster] ¿Qué con eso? [Eugenio] ¿Podría alguien como yo ir a esa escuela? [Katy Monster] No, no queremos gente como ustedes[Eugenio] Ha ha ha ha ¿Ya viste?! TU ERES UNA RACISTA. [Katy Monster] IGUALITA QUE TU. [Eugenio] LOS DOS SOMOS ALGO RACISTAS. [Katy Monster] Y NO ES TAN FACIL ACEPTARLO ASUMELO TU... [Eugenio] ASUMELO TU. [Katy Monster] A VER DIME TU [Ambos] QUE SER UN POQUITITO RACISTA ES NORMAL Y NO ES QUE SEA UN CRIMEN CONTRA LA HUMANIDAD OBSERVA AL MUNDO Y ENCONTRARAS NADIE ESTA EXENTO DE ESTE MAL TAL VEZ SEA UN HECHO ENCARAR POR LA RAZA SIEMPRE
JUZGARAS. [Eugenio] Nada trascendente, como el decir ¿Porqué los negros huelen tan mal? [Katy Monster] Ja ja ja ja! [Eugenio] O ¿Porqué las viejas manejan horrible? [Katy Monster] Hey no! [Eugenio] Cosas sin importancia como el pensar ¿Porqué los choferes de las peseras, manejan como nacos? [Katy Monster] Exacto! [Ambos] SER UN POQUITITO RACISTA ES NORMAL TODO MUNDO ES ALGO RACISTA QUE MAL CHISTES A COSTA DEL COLOR PONEN SIEMPRE DE BUEN HUMOR NO SON UN ATAQUE PERSONAL TODO EL MUNDO RIE, ES NORMAL [Eugenio] ¿Te sabes este chiste? [Katy Monster] A ver! [Eugenio] En un avión que está a punto de caerse Y solo tiene un paracaídas va un norteño, una niña fresa… [Katy Monster]
Y un naco! [Eugenio] Exacto! [Katy Monster] Ay es buenísimo! [Eugenio] Buenísimo! [Carlitos Espejel] Katy… ¿De qué hablan o qué? [Katy Monster] Estábamos contando chistes de nacos [Eugenio] Pero no tiene nada de malo Carlitos Todo el mundo cuenta chistes de nacos! [Carlitos Espejel] Yo no! [Eugenio] Ya veo que no, Porque tú eres un pinche naco [Carlitos Espejel] A pero vas a ve… [Eugenio] ¿Pero qué tal cuentas de argentino? [Carlitos Espejel] Claro… pero si los argentinos son re-mamones! [Eugenio] ¿No te parece que eso es un poquitito racista? [Carlitos Espejel] Mierda… creo que tiene razón! [Katy Monster]
¿Viste? Eres racista! [Carlitos Espejel] Y TAMBIÉN LO ERES TÚ! [Eugenio] TODOS SOMOS RACISTAS [Carlitos Espejel] TENGO QUE ACEPTARLO Y PIENSO IGUAL QUE TÚ! [Katy Monster] Como tú! [Eugenio] Y tú! [Carlitos Espejel] BIENVENIDOS AL CLUB TODOS SOMOS UNOS RACISTAS Que mal! [Kate Monster] Que mal! [Eugenio] Que mal! [Carlitos Espejel] Que mal! LA DISCRIMINACION ES MUY NOCIVA E INMORAL [Todos] Y AL MENOS ADMITIR QUE SOMOS RACISTAS Y SIN FINGIR ACEPTANDO TODOS QUE ESTA MAL AL MUNDO AYUDARIAMOS A CAMBIAR
[Eugenio] Oh, Christ do I feel good. [Carlitos Espejel] Now there was a fine upstanding black man! [Eugenio] Who? [Carlitos Espejel] Jesus Christ. [Katy Monster] But, Gary, Jesus was white. [Carlitos Espejel] No, Jesus was black. [Katy Monster] No, Jesus was white. [Carlitos Espejel] No, I'm pretty sure that Jesus was black[Eugenio] Guys, guys...Jesus was Jewish! [Todos] Ha ha ha ha ha! [Brian] Hey guys, what are you laughing about? [Carlitos Espejel] Racism! [Brian] Cool. [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] BRIAN! Come back here! You take out lecycuraburs! [Eugenio]
What's that mean? [Brian] Um, recyclables. Hey, don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak? [Katy Monster] Oh, come off it, Brian! EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST. [Brian] I'm not! [Eugenio] Oh no? [Brian] Nope! [Eugenio] ha! [Brian] HOW MANY ORIENTAL WIVES HAVE YOU GOT? [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] What? Brian! [Eugenio] BRIAN, BUDDY, WHERE YOU BEEN? THE TERM IS ASIAN-AMERICAN! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] I KNOW YOU ARE NO INTENDING TO BE BUT CALLING ME ORIENTAL OFFENSIVE TO ME! [Brian] I'm sorry, honey, I love you. [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena]
And I love you. [Brian] But you're racist, too. [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Yes, I know. THE JEWS HAVE ALL THE MONEY AND THE WHITES HAVE ALL THE POWER. AND I'M ALWAYS IN TAXI-CAB WITH DRIVER WHO NO SHOWER! [Eugenio] Me too! [Katy Monster] Me too! [Carlitos Espejel] I can't even get a taxi! [Todos] EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST IT'S TRUE. BUT EVERYONE IS JUST ABOUT AS RACIST AS YOU! IF WE ALL COULD JUST ADMIT THAT WE ARE RACIST A LITTLE BIT, AND EVERYONE STOPPED BEING SO PC MAYBE WE COULD LIVE IN HARMONY! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist!
ESCENA 4 [Eugenio] This time I feel that I’m getting closer to my purpose. [Voz de Video]
“School crossing guard”. [Eugenio] No, that’s not me. [Voz de Video] “Beauty salon technician”. [Eugenio] Mmmm... not quite it. [Voz de Video] “Birthday party clown” [Eugenio] Closer, but still no. Wait a minute. I feel that is right here on the corner of my mind. My purpose... it’s... it’s... Los Ositos Malositos entran [Ositos Malositos] Hola Eugenio!! Somos nosotros. [Eugenio] ¿Pero quiénes son ustedes? [Ositos Malositos] Los osos malosos de las malas ideas! [Osito Malosito 1] Somos tus amigos! [Osito Malosito 2] ¿A dónde vas? [Eugenio] Estoy en bancarrota así que voy a buscar un empleo mientras busco cuál es mi meta en la vida [Osito Malosito 1]
Y ese cheque… te lo dieron tus papás? [Eugenio] Mjjj... [Osito Malosito 1] Entonces eres rico! [Osito Malosito 2] Deberias celebrar! [Osito Malosito 1] Tienes que hacer algo por tí Eugenio… comprate… mmm.. unas chelas! [Ositos Malositos] Siii, unas chelas! [Eugenio] No creo que gastarme el dinero de mis papas en cerveza sea lo más conveniente. [Osito Malosito 2] Uuuyy qué pena! [Osito Malosito 1] Que tristeza me da pensar que no te la pasas bien. [Osito Malosito 2] Creo que voy a llorar! El osito malosito llora. [Osito Malosito 1] A veces me gustaria estar muerta [Eugenio] Nooo... Oigan, creo que no pasaría nada
si me compro un six! [Ositos Malositos] Yuuuppiiii [Osito Malosito 1] Oye y si mejor te lo compras de caguama? [Eugenio] No de ninguna manera [Osito Malosito 1] Recuerda que tienes un presupuesto li-mi-ta-do! [Osito Malosito 2] Estas tirando el dinero a la basura [Eugenio] Creo que tienen razón mejor compro caguamas [Ositos Malositos] Yuupiii, nos estamos viendo Eugenio Los Ositos Malositos salen. [Eugenio] Nos vemos chicos! Ahhh no son adorables? Es bueno saber que mis nuevos amigos Realmente se preocupan por mí. Eugenio sale.
ESCENA 5 Suena el teléfono [Katy Monster] ¿Bueno?
Voz en off. [Maestra Gordillo] Buenas tardes, ¿Catalina? Le habla su jefa. [Katy Monster] Si hola Maestra Gordillo [Maestra Gordillo] Como bien lo sabe la próxima semana tengo una cita para hacerme un transplante de corazón. Y quí entre nos tengo, voy a aprovechar para que me recorran la costura de la cintura y me den una restiradita de felpa. Por lo que necesito que me sustituya la clase de la mañana. Tal vez necesite lka mañana complete para recuperarme. Pero seguro estare lista para la hora de la comida. [Katy Monster] ¿Quiere que de la clase yo solita? [Maestra Gordillo] Confio en usted Catalina. Además es libre de escoger el tema. [Katy Monster] ¡Gracias Esthelita! Se oye que la Maestra carraspea y tira una bola de pelos. [Maestra Gordillo] ¡Catalina! [Katy Monster] ¿Siii? [Maestra Gordillo] Cuando se refiere a mí por mi nombre de pila… ¡Los maestros no me respetan! [Katy Monster] Ayy sii, perdone… Maestra Gordillo.
[Maestra Gordillo] Gracias.
PORNO [Katy Monster] Finalmente, mi oportunidad de dar una clase yo solita. Y voy a escoger un tema importante, de gran relevancia, Algo moderno, voy a hablar del internet! [Katy Monster] EL INTERNET TE SIRVE PA ENCONTRAR [Trekkie Monster] PORNO! [Katy Monster] CON GRAN VELOCIDAD INVESTIGAR [Trekkie Monster] PORNO! [Katy Monster] ES PLENA NOVEDAD Y HORAS TRABAJAR, [Trekkie Monster] PORNO! [Katy Monster] A UNA GRAN VELOCIDAD SURFEAR [Trekkie Monster] PORNO! [Trekkie Monster] HAY PORNO EN EL INTERNET! [Katy Monster] Trekkie! [Trekkie Monster] VER PORNO EN INTERNET!
[Katy Monster] ¿Qué haces? [Trekkie Monster] INVENTAR EL INTERNET PORNO! PORNO! PORNO! [Katy Monster] Trekkie Monster! Baja inmediatamente [Trekkie Monster] Oh… Hola Katy Monster [Katy Monster] Estás arruinando mi canción [Trekkie Monster] Oh perdón, no mi intención [Katy Monster] ¿Podrías callarte un minuto para que yo termine? [Trekkie Monster] Sale y vale! [Katy Monster] Perfecto! ME ALEGRA TENER COMUNICACION [Trekkie Monster] PORNO… Aahhhop! [Katy Monster] TECNLOGIA DE GRAN PENETRACION. [Trekkie Monster] PORNO—Ayyy! [Katy Monster] DESDE TU MONITOR
[Trekkie Monster] POR --- mm [Katy Monster] BUSCAR, COMPRAR , CHATEAR. [Trekkie Monster] mmmpmm!! [Katy Monster] HASTA QUE TE HARTAS Y TIENES QUE PARAR. [Trekkie Monster] DEL PORNO!! HAY PORNO EN EL INTERNET! [Katy Monster] Trekkie! [Trekkie Monster] EL PORNO EN EL INTERNET! [Katy Monster] Noooo [Trekkie Monster] YO ME QUEDO SIN DORMIR! PORNO PORNO SIIIIII! [Katy Monster] Que asco! Eres un degenerado! [Trekkie Monster] Boootellita de Jerez… Katy Monsterrrr! [Katy Monster] No, en serio… eres un degenerado! La gente normal no se sienta frente a su computadora a ver pornografía en internet.
[Trekkie Monster] Ohhhh? [Katy Monster] ¿Qué?! [Trekkie Monster] Ni te imaginas ¿Listos gente normal? [Gente Normal] Listo--- listo ----listo [Trekkie Monster] Arranquense! [Trekkie Monster y los Chicos] HAY PORNO EN EL INTERNET! [Eugenio] ¡Te tocas! [Trekkie Monster y los Chicos] EL PORNO EN INTERNET! [Eugenio] ¡Yo me la jalo! [Trekkie Monster y los Chicos] DOBLE CLICK Y A ACABAR PORNO, PORNO, PORNO! [Katy Monster] El internet no es pal porno!! [Trekkie Monster y los Chicos] PORNO!, PORNO, P--[Katy Monster] Esperen un minuto! [Trekkie Monster] ¿Qué pasa?
[Katy Monster] Yo sé de buena fuente que tu Rodri checas tus acciones en línea [Rodri] Correcto! [Katy Monster] Y tu Brian compras cosas en Amazon.com [Brian] Claro! [Katy Monster] Tu Carlitos, vendiste todo tu vestuario de estrella infantil en Ebay [Carlistos Espejel] Por supuesto! [Katy Monster] Y tu Eugenio, me mandaste una tarjeta de cumpleaños por face [Eugenio] Sip! [Katy Monster] hmmm? [Trekkie Monster] Pero Katy¿Qué crees que hacen después? hmm? [Gente Normal] He he he he! [Eugenio] Siii [Katy Monster]
Eeewwwww! [Trekkie Monster y la Gente Normal] HAY PORNO EN EL INTERENT! [Katy Monster] Que asco! [Trekkie Monster y la Gente Normal] EL PORNO EN EL INTERENT! [Katy Monster] Odio el porno! [Trekkie Monster y la Gente Normal] HA JALARMELA AL CHATEAR PORNO TE DA [Katy Monster] Odio el internet! [Trekkie Monster y la Gente Normal] Armonizando. PORNO, PORNO, PORNO! [Katy Monster] Odio a los hombres! [Trekkie Monster y la Gente Normal] Armonizando. PORNO, PORN, PORN! [Katy Monster] Yo me voy! [Trekkie Monster y la Gente Normal] EN EL INTERNET! EN EL INTERNET [Trekkie Monster] THE INTERNET IS FOR [Trekkie Monster y Algunos] THE INTERNET IS FOR
[Trekkie Monster y Todos] THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN! [Trekkie Monster] YEAH! Salen.
ESCENA 6 [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Hey Rod! How is hanging? [Rodri] Hey Christmas Eve! I got you wedding invitation… [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Are you coming? [Rodri] Yeah… here’s my RSVP. BRIAN (off stage) Hey Honey! What’s all this about us getting married? [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Just think of it as a surprise party… BRIAN Cool! [Rodri] I think it’s wonderful you have someone so special in your life… [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Are you ok Rod? ROD Christmas Eve… You are a therapist, right? [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] I have two Master Degrees.
[Rodri] So you help people who have all kinds of problems… [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Nobody wants to come to me for helping... I meet with people, we are talking for an hour, then they go away and never come back. And I wonder why? Am I fixing them in one appointment? Maybe I’m too efficient, maybe I should spread my helping out. Why Rod? Do you need some helping? [Rodri] Well... I have this friend... [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Nicky? [Rodri] No, other friend. And I think he has a very big problem. I think he’s... gay. [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] What’s wrong with that? You know Rod, gay people make major contributions to arts, philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now... [Rodri] Oh but, my friend isn’t an artist. He is a Republican.... and an investment banker. [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Oh! Tell him to stay in closet then, he’s good for nothing. [Rodri] Ok... great!... Thanks for the advice... [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Yeah! Ha, ha! I wouldn’t want a friend like that... [Rodri] No! ... Thanks again... Sale Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena.
[Rodri] Mierda!
MIXTAPE: UN DISCO [Katy Monster] Ahhhh Eugenio ahhh Le gusto Creo que le gusto Será del mismo modo que el a mi será amistad o algo más tendrá algún interés ay no lo se Suena el timbre. Adelante! [Eugenio] Hola Katy! [Katy Monster] Eugenio! Hola! [Eugenio] Hola! Mira, ayer andaba buscando entre mis CDs y… Me encontré con algunas canciones que pensé te gustarían así que te quemé un disco [Katy Monster] Wow! Gracias! ¿Te puedo ofrecer algo de comer O algo de beber? [Eugenio] La verdad mejor ¿Te importa si paso a tu baño? [Katy Monster] No, adelante! UN DISCO, ME HIZO UN DISCO
SE ACORDO DE MI, TIENE INTERES ALGUNAS VECES SI LE LATES A ALGUIEN TE QUEMAN UN DISCO UNA PISTA TE DAN Veamos! LA PAPA SIN CATSUP, SOY UN DESASTRE, SE ME OLVIDO OTRA VEZ Ahh! Mierda! Pero esperen! SIEMPRE EN MI MENTE, BESAME MUCHO, LA INCONDICIONAL Ayyy Luismi!! Digo… Eugenio! LA CUCARACHA, DOCTOR PSIQUIATRA CU-CURRUCUCU! ¿QUE QUIERE DECIR? [Eugenio] Ahh ¿Katy? [Katy Monster] ¿Si? [Eugenio] Oye, tal vez sea mejor que no entres ahí en un bueeeen rato! [Katy Monster] OK! Ah Eugenio, muchas gracias por el disco Estaba viendo unas canciones están bien padres! [Eugenio] ¿Ya las viste todas? [Katy Monster] No! [Eugenio] Pues ve, te van a encantar!
[Katy Monster] ¿Si? [Eugenio] Mira! [Katy Monster] SABOR A MI [Eugenio] CONTIGO APRENDI [Katy Monster] ELECTRICIDAD Ayyy me encanta Lucero [Eugenio] Más o menos! TODA LA VIDA [Katy Monster] RBD [Ambos] TONTO CORAZON [Eugenio] Del concierto de Benny en el Zócalo [Katy Monster] Wooow!!! No lo vi! AMOR PRIMERO [Eugenio] NO TENGO DINERO [Katy Monster] HISTORIA DE UN AMOR Qué lindo cd! [Eugenio] Pero hay más! [Katy Monster]
¿Si? [Eugenio] Mira! QUIERO DECIR DE MI ENAMORATE [Katy Monster] MIRA QUE EEEEE EEEEEEE EEEEEE La golpea en la cabeza. Disculpa, me dejé ir muchas gracias por el disco Eugenio Nadie había tenido un detalle así conmigo [Eugenio] Que bueno que te gustó Pero ya me tengo que ir porque le tengo que hacer uno a Jackie, y a Brian, y a Nicky Y a Trekkie y a Carlitos y a todos ¿Oye? [Katy Monster] ¿Mmm? [Eugenio] ¿Y…qué vas a hacer en la noche? [Katy Monster] Voy a calificar exámenes… Pero son de kínder así que es muy rápido ¿por? [Eugenio] Porque… los muchachos estaban viendo si íbamos al Bar Noche y Día y yo estaba pensando que… tal vez te gustaría ir… conmigo… [Katy Monster] ¿Me estas invitando como si fuera una cita?
[Eugenio] Si,claro… como una cita [Katy Monster] Me encantaría! [Eugenio] Qué bueno, vas a ver que no la vamos a pasar bomba Puuuuuf! [Katy Monster] Mj mj mjj mj! Estubo bueno! [Eugenio] Si, nunca falla OK, ya me voy [Katy Monster] Bye! [Eugenio] Bueno, hay nos vemos! [Katy Monster] Sii! [Eugenio] Bye! [Katy Monster] Bye! Le gusto
ESCENA 7 HOY NO LLEVO ROPA INTERIOR En el Bar Noche y Día. [Brian] Señoras y señores a continuación el derroche de ingenio
de la persona más divertida que conozco Un servidor HOY NO LLEVO ROPA INTERIOR, HOY NO LLEVO ROPA INTERIOR, NO ES QUE IMPORTE LA VERDAD SI LA LLEVO EN REALIDAD Y A PESAR DE TODO DIGO YO QUE HOY NO LLEVO ROPA INTERIOR [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Ponte a tlabajal! [Brian] Gracias..amorcito? But... aah... don’t move a muscle, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be right back with our headline performer. GARY So, Trekkie, you never leave your apartment. What made you drag your furry ass down here? TREKKIE Mmmm... Me see pictures of next singer on the internet. Ho, ho, ho. (Kate and Princeton come in). PRINCETON Look, there’s an empty table. KATE Let’s grab it. PRINCETON Ladies first. KATE Oh... you’re such a gentleman, Princeton. PRINCETON Oh, you too. I mean... you look a knock out tonight. KATE You...
BRIAN So here’s the woman you all came to see. The Around the Clock is proud to present fresh from her world tour, headlining in Amsterdam, Bangkok, and Celebration Florida please give a warm hand to the star of “Girls Gone Wild” parts two, five and seven Lucy the Slut!
ESPECIAL [Lucy la Zorra] SI TAN PINCHE TE SIENTES PUEDO HACERTE ESPECIAL PUEDO HACERTE BONITO UN RATITO O DOS TU VIDA ABURRIDA RUTINA ES ACA NO IMPORTA COMO ESTES NI COMO FUE INSIGNIFICANTE PARECES SER PERO CONMIGO ESO ES ALREVES [Eugenio] Wow! [Lucy la Zorra] Si, son de a deveras! ESTANDO JUNTOS TU GIRARAS LA TIERRA SU ORBITA PERDERA PEGA UN CHILLIDO Y ATREVETE SI TU NOVIA NO MIRA DE EN PAGOS TE DOY PUEDO VER CLARAMENTE QUE SE TE PARO… EL CORAZON! POR MIIIII POR MIIIII POR MI POR MI POR MI POR MI PUEDO VER CLARAMENTE QUE SE TE PARO EL CORAZON
POR MIIIII! [Lucy la Zorra] Con tono argentine. Gracias cabacheros! Y estorbos que los acompañan. Espero que sigan disfrutando sus tragos y les hacha encantado… mi número. Ella sale. Trekkie la sigue y Brian lo detiene. BRIAN No, Trekkie TREKKIE Oh, but Brian... BRIAN No.... TREKKIE Oh... me I can hardly hold! Oh!!! (He leaves). PRINCETON That Lucy is something, isn’t she? KATE She is something... PRINCETON Oh, Kate, can I get you a drink? KATE I’ll get a water. I got a class to teach tomorrow. It’s a big day! The teacher I’m assisting is going into the hospital tomorrow morning so I have the entire class to myself. And if I do well it could mean a big carreer boost. (The bad idea bears come in). BIBS Hey guys! BIB We brought you some Long Island iced tea!
KATE Oh! You are so adorable! Who are you? BIB (Bender!) BIB (Brad!) BIB Have a drink, Kate. KATE Oh... no, thank you. BIB Just a little, little sip. KATE I really shouldn’t. BIB But it’s only a Long Island iced tea. BIB They’re so sweet and delicious. BIBS Please!!! KATE Oh, one sip can’t hurt. Cheers, Princeton! PRINCETON Cheers! Here’s to you, Kate Monster! BIBS Yeah!! KATE That’s delicious!
BIB ¿Porqué no jugamos un juego con bebidas? [Osito Malosito #2] ¡Qué Buena idea! [Osito Malosito #1] Es la receta perfecta para la diversión. [Katy Monster] Ay yo no me sé ningún juego. ¿Tú te sabes alguno Eugenio? [Eugenio] A veces la matatena [Osito Malosito #2] ¡Yo, yo yo yo yo! Yo me sé uno buenísimo, se llama el juego del Hidalgo ¡Chinge a su madre el que deje algo! [Ositos Malositos] ¡Uno, dos, tres! Katy y Eugenio empiezan a tomarse la bebida mientras los Ositos Malositos les empujan las cabezas hasta que se las acaban. [Ositos Malositos] ¡Fondo, fondo , fondo! [Katy Monster] ¡Está fuertísima! [Eugenio] ¡Siiiii! [Ositos Malositos] ¡Empateeeee! [Osito Malosito #2] ¡Va la revancha! [Ositos Malositos] ¡Otra ronda, otra ronda!
[Katy Monster] Okay, pero esta vez yo la invito [Osito Malosito #2] Esta vez pídelas dobles. [Katy Monster] Oooookeeeyy!!!! Regreso en un Segundo. BIB Ok, Princeton, how’s the date going? Ha! PRINCETON Pretty well, I think... BIB Well, you just hang in there, little man. You’re gonna get something, you gotta keep working at it. Just keep your eye on the prize. Ha,ha, ha. Uuhh, wow! Look who’s coming! (Lucy comes in). LUCY What’s up? PRINCETON Hi, I’m Princeton. LUCY Lucy. Man, I’m beat! I still haven’t figured out where I’m gonna crash tonight... BIB In a bush! LUCY All I need is a warm mattress, you know. PRINCETON Well, mine’s pretty cold usually. LUCY It wouldn’t be cold for long.
(Kate comes back). KATE Aha, ha... The drinks will be here right over, Princeton. Ha, ha.. ahaaa... LUCY I’ll have a Scotch on the rocks. KATE I’m not a waitress. PRINCETON Oh, Lucy, I’d like you to meet Kate Monster. LUCY Oh, you’re dating a monster. I dated a monster once, but I got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth. KATE Well, if your teeth are the problem, I could take out a couple. PRINCETON Ok, Lucy, it was nice talking to you. LUCY Ok, have fun with your monster. But when you are ready for a real woman you know where to find me. (She leaves). PRINCETON Oh, man, Kate, I’m sorry. KATE No, I understand. You’re irresistible. PRINCETON She just knows she can’t compare to you. KATE I think you are wonderful, Princeton. PRINCETON You are not bad yourself, Kate.
HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL (Cuando Haces el Amor) [Osito Malosito #1] Llévatela a tu casa! [Osito Malosito #2] Está hasta las chanclas! [Ositos Malositos] Yaaaajuuuuu! [Katy y Eugenio] Aah, aaah, aaah, mmmmh! [Katy Monster] Eugenio, Eugenio! [Eugenio] ¿Qué, que, que? [Katy Monster] Más a la derecha! [Eugenio] OK! [Katy y Eugenio] Aah, aaah, aaah, mmmmh! [Katy Monster] Eugenio, Eugenio! [Eugenio] ¿Qué, que, que? [Katy Monster] Mi… derecha! [Eugenio] OK! Ayy, oye no puedes poner tu dedo ahí Mmm, bueno, pon tu dedo ahí!
[Katy Monster] Aaaaaaahhhh! [Carlitos Espejel] TU PUEDES CALLAR Y PUEDES GRITAR SI HACES EL AMOR! [Ositos Malositos] SI HACES EL AMOR EEAAAA! [Carlitos Espejel] TU PUEDES CALLAR Y PORTARTE MAL SI HACES EL AMOR! [Ositos Malositos] SI HACES EL AMOR EEAAAA! [Carlitos Espejel] TU PUEDES CALLAR Y PUEDES GRITAR SI HACES EL AMOR! [Ositos Malositos] SI-HA-CES-EL-AMOR! [Carlitos Espejel] TU PUEDES CALLAR [Ositos Malositos] Y PUEDES GRITAR YEEAAH! [Katy y Eugenio] Aah, aaah, aaah, mmmmh! [Katy Monster] ¿Estamos haciendo mucho ruido? [Eugenio] ¿Estamos molestando a alguien? [Carlitos Espejel]
No, para nada eeeh! Ustedes dos síganle poniendo! [Ositos Malositos] Yeeeaaah! [Carlitos Espejel] NO HAY QUE HABLAR NI GRITAR EN UN FUNERAL EN LA OPERA O EN UN ESTAND Y SI TU Y TU CHICA ESTAN EN UN BAR NO IMPORTA QUE NO ES EL BALLET [Ositos Malositos] MAS MAS MAS! [Carlitos Espejel] TU PUEDES CALLAR Y PUEDES GRITAR SI HACES EL AMOR! [Ositos Malositos] SI HACES EL AMOR EEAAAA! [Carlitos Espejel] TU PUEDES CALLAR Y PORTARTE MAL SI HACES EL AMOR! [Ositos Malositos] HAY QUE PORTARSE, HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL! [Carlitos Espejel] LOS VECINOS TE VIGILEN TU REVENTON NO SABRAN ACABAR SU ACOSTON
[Todos] A ACABAR A PORTARSE MAL! EN UN ACOSTON HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL… [Katy Monster] Más rápido! [Jacky] Más lespacio no son calelas! [Todos] HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL... [Eugenio] Ay ayayyy, ay ayayyy! [Brian] Ayyy tus colmillos! [Todos] HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL... HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL... [Carlitos Espejel] Lámbelo, fuerte frótalo, muerdelo! [Todos] HAY QUE PORTARSE MAL... [Jacky] Eso dale como [Todos] HAY QUE PORTARSE... Kate Monster: Chúpame! Brian: Ooh, babe! Trekkie Monster:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh! All: HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE HAY QUE MAL!
PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE PORTARSE
ESCENA 8 SUEÑOS REALIDAD Rodri está despierto en cama, mientras Nicky ronca en su cama. [Rodri] It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake? [Nicky] (asleep) Is that a unicorn? ROD Oh, he's talking in his sleep again. NICKY No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Who painted the kitten? ROD Maybe I should just shake him. NICKY I love you, Rod. ROD What did you say? NICKY
I love your little laugh. ROD Nicky, are you awake? NICKY Take off your shirt. ROD Oh Nicholas! Have you been shy all this time? Have we been hiding from each other? I wonder... (sung) All those nights I lay in bed, thoughts of you running through my head... NICKY I know -- put my earmuffs on the cookie... ROD But I never thought the things in my head could really happen in my bed. NICKY You look like David Hasselhoff... ROD -All those years I missed the signs, couldn't read between the lines. Who'd have thought I would see the day where I'd hear you say what I heard you say? And now I find what was always in my mind was in your mind, too. Fantasies come true! -And now I see that what I've always dreamed of was meant to be... you and me, me and you!
Fantasies come true! MUSICAL INTERLUDE -You and me lived in fantasy, but soon we'll be a reality. (The scene switches to Kate’ house. She’s with Princeton in bed).. PRINCETON (Spoken) Kate, that was amazing. KATE MONSTER You're amazing. PRINCETON I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck. It's from the year I was born, see? Who knows, maybe it'll bring you good luck. It did for me! I found you. (sung) I want you to know the time that we've spent, how great it's been, how much it's meant. [Katy Monster] DIOS QUE AFORTUNADA SOY ME HACE FELIZ QUE ESTES AQUI ME GUSTAS MAS QUE NADIE A QUIEN HAYA AMADO HASTA EL DIA DE HOY [Rodri] PUES HOY MI AMOR
[Katy Monster] PUES HOY MI AMOR
[Rodri y Katy Monster] HOY TENGO ENTRE MIS MANOS LO QUE SOÑE [Rodri] TU TAMBIEN!
[Katy Monster]
UHH, BABY! [Rodri y Katy Monster] TU SUEÑO REALIDAD [Katy Monster] Y YO ESTARE
[Rodri] Y YO ESTARE
[Rodri y Katy Monster] TE LO JURO QUE A TU LADO ME QUEDARE [Rodri] POR TI LO HAREEEEEEEE [Rodri] Y HACER TU SUEÑO REAAAAA
[Katy Monster] POR TI LO HARE ESO ES LO QUE HARE... [Katy Monster] HACER TU SUEÑO REA
[Rodri y Katy Monster] …LIDAD [Rodri] SUEÑOS REALIDAD. (The scene switches back to Rod’s bedroom. Rod awakens, Nicky is poking him) NICKY Hey, Rod buddy! You were talking in your sleep. ROD I thought you were talking in YOUR sleep! NICKY No, I just came to bed. You were dreaming, is all. ROD Oh. NICKY It sounded like a nice dream, though.
ROD Yes. It was a nice dream. NICKY Good night. ROD Good night, Nicky.
ESCENA 9 En el departamento de Katy. Ella está en cama con Eugenio. El teléfono suena, Katy contesta. Es la Sra T. [Katy Monster] Bueno?... [Maestra Gordillo] Buenas tardes Catalina. No sé si recuerde pero usted iba a dar mi clase esta mañana mientras me hacían un trasplante de corazón!!! [Katy Monster] ¡Chiin! [Maestra Gordillo] Dejo a dos niños solos por 3 horas Crearon su propia sociedad tribal y estuvieron a punto de sacrificar a la pobrecita Josefina ¿Dónde diablos estaba? [Katy Monster] Disculpe, me quede dormida [Maestra Gordillo] Nunca debí de haber contratado a un monstruo! KATE ¿Que?!
[Maestra Gordillo] Su raza, niña, es floja! [Katy Monster] Pues mejor ser monstruo que una perra amargada [Maestra Gordillo] Pues las perras amargadas somos los cimientos y la fortaleza de esta nación. Me arrepiento de haberla contratado [Katy Monster] Pues no se preocupe porque yo renuncio [Maestra Gordillo] No Catalina…. Esta despedida [Katy Monster] No me puede despedir porque yo renuncie primero [Maestra Gordillo] Se va a ir al infierno [Katy Monster] Pues ahí nos vemos Cuelga. Was I too mean? PRINCETON Good for you! KATE I hate it working for her! I can get by on my savings for a while, and pursue what I really want in my life.
PRINCETON Your school! KATE Yes. PRINCETON I think you are really brave Kate. KATE Yeah! PRINCETON (nods) Listen... Are you going to Brian and Christmas Eve’s wedding? KATE Of course. PRINCETON I was thinking...... we could... you know... go together. KATE Oh my gosh! Well it seems like I always go to weddings alone... I don’t know what I’d do if I went with a... a... PRINCETON ...with a boyfriend? KATE Yeah... PRINCETON Well, come with me... KATE Well that would be great! (She starts sobbing). PRINCETON Well, are you ok Kate? KATE Yeah... Yeah... I just get fur in my eyes sometimes... Se besan.
ESCENA 10
La boda. [Rodri] Did you bring a cap? NICKY What?! ROD We’re off to mass... NICKY But... ROD Christ! PRINCETON Kate, you look beautiful tonight! KATE Thank you! GARY And by the power invested in me... Gary Coleman, I now pronounce you husband and wife. CE --ALL Mazeltov! NICKY That was beautiful! Wasn’t it, Rod? ROD Gee, they’re so lucky to have each other! NICKY Are you upset, Rod? ROD Nicky... I need a moment to myself, ok?
NICKY No, buddy, talk to me! Tell me what’s the matter. BRIAN Hey, what’s up with Rod? GARY Yeah! He sure has been down in the dumps lately. CE Hey, Rodney! You need a girlfriend. GARY A girlfriend? You got to be kidding, right? CE He not so ugly. GARY No, but I was thinking Rod was one of those gays. CE Rod is gay? BRIAN I bet, Nicky would know. Hey, Nicky! Come over here! NICKY Sure, guys, what’s up? CE We wondering if Rod is a gay. NICKY Well, it’s funny you should ask because I do think Rod is gay. I always have. But, you know, I figured if he wanted to tell me, he would. So, yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is a closeted homosexual. ROD Nicky! How could you say that about me? NICKY Oh, hi, Rod! All I said was that, yes, definitely, my buddy Rod has an
undescended testicle. ROD Aaahhh!! Nooo!!!! I heard you! NICKY I... I’m sorry, Rod. ROD Mmm... mmm... mmm... Well I am not a closeted homowhatever. Well, I’ve a whole life that none of you’d know about. Not even you, Nicky. NICKY You do, Rod? ROD Sure I do. For example... I...
MI NOVIA QUE VIVE EN CANADA [Rodri] Ohhhh... I wish you could meet my girlfriend, my girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter I wish you could meet her, My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta She live in Vancouver She cooks like my mother And sucks like a Hoover. I e-mail her every single day Just to make sure that everything's okay. It's a pity she lives so far away, in Canada! Last week she was here, but she had the flu. Too bad 'Cause I wanted to introduce her to you It's so sad There wasn't a thing that she could do But stay in bed with her legs up over her head! Oh!
I wish you could meet my girlfriend, But you can't because she is in Canada. I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, So soon I'll be off to Alberta! I mean Vancouver! Shit! Her name is Alberta, she lives in VancouShe's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes I have a girlfriend, who lives in Canada!! And I can't wait to eat her pussy again! [Carlitos Espejel] Well, everyone shake that movin’, yes sir. What a busy day ahead for Gary Coleman. (He leaves). CE Maybe we go to buffet. BRIAN Yeah! I’m starving! KATE We’ll join you. NICKY Oh... What do you have to say Rod? Cause I’d still be your buddy even if you were gay. ROD Nicky, I want you out of the appartment when I get there. NICKY What? You are... kicking me out?! He he!! ROD You can live in the park for all I care! NICKY Oh, but Rod... I... oh... I didn’t make you mad on purpose. PRINCETON
Purpose! CE I throw bouquet in few minutes, Kate Monster, I have a younger husband for you... KATE Oh, Christmas Eve! CE I might throw bouquet to you on purpose. PRINCETON Purpose! KATE Oh, Princeton, I have so much fun with you! PRINCETON Yeah, me too. KATE Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? PRINCETON Gosh, it feels like I’m forgetting something? KATE Oh, she’s throwing the bouquet! I’ll be right back! (She leaves) PRINCETON Purpose! Purpose!(Princeton’s nightmare about marriage). (Kate comes back). KATE I caught the bouquet, Princeton! Well, some little girl caught it, but she wasn’t very strong! PRINCETON Yeah... KATE Are you alright? PRINCETON
Oh...Kate, I have something I need to say. KATE Princeton, you can tell me anything. PRINCETON Listen, when I moved to Avenue Q, I was looking for my purpose. KATE I remember. PRINCETON And... We’ve been spending so much time together and I lost track to finding it. KATE Aha... PRINCETON I don’t wanna be no man who looks back and realize I’ve never found my reason to be alive. KATE So... PRINCETON Yeah... KATE So you don’t want to spend time with me anymore? PRINCETON No, no, I love being with you. KATE Oh, good, because I thought you meant... PRINCETON But I don’t want a girlfriend before I find my mission in life. KATE But you said... PRINCETON
Look, I can’t, I’m tied down now, Kate. If we stay together, believe me, we’ll never even be friends in the end. KATE But I’m not looking for friends. I have plenty on friends. PRINCETON You like me, don’t you? KATE Well... yes I do. And I think that’s why you should get out of here. PRINCETON You mean, “leave”? KATE Unless you have another definition for “get out of here”.(He leaves)
HAY UNA LINEA MUY, MUY DELGADA [Katy Monster] QUE DIFICIL VER ENTRE UN AMIGO Y EL AMOR Y RECONOCER LO QUE ES EN SERIO DE LO QUE NO Y NO SABRAS SI LO VALIO SI NO LLEGAS AL FINAL HAY GRAN FRUSTACION DE QUIEN AMO Y SU TIEMPO PERDIO COMO DISTINGUIR LO QUE ES MENTIRA O FICCION DIFICIL ACEPTAR SI ES QUE SE QUEDA O SE VA EL QUE NO TE QUIEREN IGUAL TAL VEZ NO ESTA DEL TODO MAL PERO HAY GRAN FRUSTACION DE QUIEN AMO Y SU TIEMPO PERDIO
NO PUEDO YA PERDER NI UN MINUTO MÁS NI SIQUIERA SABES QUE PRETENDES ENCONTRAR POR MI SALUD MENTAL LA PUERTA HE DE CERRAR Y OLVIDAR JALAR DURO ES TRANSITAR ENTRE ESTAR JUNTOS Y NO ESTAR TENER QUE ENFRENTAR Y RESIGNARSE A LA VERDAD TIENES QUE PERSEGUIR TU IDEAL SI ENAMORADO ESTAS QUE GRAN FRUSTACION DE QUIEN AMO Y SU TIEMPO PERDIO. Se cierra el telón. Fin del Primer Acto.
SEGUNDO ACTO ESCENA 1 [Eugenio] Purpose! Puuuuurpose! BIB ...Less PRINCETON Who said that? Purpose! BIB Less! BIB Purposeless! PRINCETON Purpose!
BIBS Purpose.... less PRINCETON Ok, who’s doing that? BIB Hi, Princeton! You have to come around! BIB Yeah... You look so blue! BIB Try a little smile! BIB I want to see a little smile! BIB Oh, come on, Princeton! PRINCETON Sorry, guys, it’s not gonna work. BIB Just do it as a friend BIB Yeah, just do it or we’ll be sad! PRINCETON It’s not working BIB Well, you can always hang yourself! BIB (Looks for a rope backstage) Yeah! We found this rope. PRINCETON I’m not going to hang myself! BIBS Oohh!
PRINCETON Can you just go away? BIB Well, he’s not in a good day. Well, we’ll leave the rope. Just in case. Salen. Entra Brian.
HAY VIDA AFUERA DE TU DEPARTAMENTO [Brian] Eugenio! [Eugenio] Si. Brian: Listen, buddy, nobody’s seen ya for two weeks. What’s up with that? Princeton: I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too depressing on the phone. I maxed out my cards, I’m two months behind in rent, I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian - I still haven’t found my purpose! Brian: All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone’s getting together to mess around the city today. Princeton: Have fun! Brian: When I say everyone, that includes you! THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT. I KNOW IT’S HARD TO CONCEIVE. BUT THERE’S LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR APARTMENT. AND YOU’RE ONLY GONNA SEE IT IF YOU LEAVE.
There is cool shit to do, But it can’t come to you, And who knows, dude You might even score! There is life outside your apartment. But you gotta open the door! Princeton: No, thanks, I’m staying in! Brian: Don’t tell me I gotta force you. Princeton: Sorry! Brian: All right, everyone! He’s resisting! Entre Nochebuena, Trekkie Monster, Carlitos y Nicky levantan a Eugenio y lo llevan hacia afuera. All but Princeton: There is life outside... There is life outside... There is life outside... There is life outside your apartment! There’s a pigeon Squashed on the street. Christmas Eve: Ew. Brian: There’s a girl passing by Nicky: No I think it’s a guy All but Princeton: And a homeless man Who only wants to Buy something to eat!
Sorry, can’t help you. We could go to the zoo! Trekkie Monster: Pick up girls at NYU! Brian: We could sit in the park smoking pot! Christmas Eve: Or not. All but Princeton: There is life outside your apartment. Princeton: Well, I guess I’ll give it a shot. Se escucha un disparo. Todos gritan y corren. All: There is life outside your apartment. I know Se oyen fuertes martilleos. Todos se tapan los oidos y gritan grocerias. There is life outside your apartment. Ven con horror hacia arriba. Voice #1: I’m gonna jump! All: Don’t do it! Voice #1: Okay. All: There is cool shit to do But it can’t come to you
So come on Se escucha el rechinar de un carro que frena. Voice #2: Get out of the way asshole! Princeton: Fuck you! All: There is life outside your apartment. Oh, you never know What’s around the bend. You could win the lotto Or make a friend... Entra Lucy. Los chicos la observan y voltean a ver a Eugenio. Guys: Take her home to see your apartment! Lucy: Do you wanna feel special? I can see that you do. Well, I can make you feel Special. If you let me feel you. Guys: She’ll feel you! Lucy: Where’s your pad? Princeton: Not too far. Guys: We could call you a car. Princeton: We’ll be fine, thank you! See ya! Christmas Eve:
Hope you don’t get gonorrhea! All: There is life outside your apartment. Princeton/Lucy: But now it’s time to go home. All: There is life outside your apartment. Trekkie Monster: Me going home now. Princeton/Lucy: It’s time to go home! Trekkie Monster: That’s where me gonna go! Lucy: I can make you feel special Trekkie Monster: That’s where me gonna go! All: There is life outside your apartment. Trekkie Monster: Me going home now, That’s where me gonna go! Princeton/Lucy: But now it’s time to go home Trekkie Monster: For porn!
ESCENA 2 [Eugenio] Oh, hi, Kate Monster!
[Katy Monster] Good evening. PRINCETON Hi... I haven’t seen you around... KATE Mm... ha! LUCY You’re gonna show me upstairs? PRINCETON Yeah, one second, ok, Lucy? LUCY Sure, baby! Don’t let my motor idle too long!(She leaves) KATE She a friend of yours? PRINCETON Yeah... KATE Is her name “Purpose”? PRINCETON Aah... listen, Kate... I gotta go. KATE Have fun! (Princeton leaves. Christmas Eve comes in) CE What’s the matter, Kate monster? KATE I hate Princeton. He’s with that Lucy! CE Oh, that evil girl? She’s skanky. But that don’t make Princeton bad person, Kate monster.
KATE I don’t know anymore. CE But you still feeling for him, don’t you? KATE I do feeling for him. CE Sometimes person need time for learning. People always learning, all through their lives. Look at mama bird. She push baby out of nest and that’s it. If baby bird fly, good for baby! If baby bird fall and cracks head on ground and gets eaten by a cat then he need to do better next time.
MIENTRAS MAS LO AMAS [Katy Monster] Jacky ¿Por qué la gente no se puede llevar bien y amarse el uno al otro? [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] ¿Tu cles que lleval bien igual a amal? A veces amol está donde mas enojalte, Katy Monster. [Katy Monster] ¿Ehh? [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] MIENTLAS MAS LO AMAS FACIL ES VOLVELTE LOCA MIENTLAS MAS LO AMAS MAS PLANEAS SU FUNELAL ALGUNA VEZ LO VEZ Y SOLO VEZ SU PANZA [Katy Monster] Ja!
[Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] QUIELES UN PLAN PALA MANDALO AL MAS ALLA ODIO [Katy Monster] ODIO! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] Y AMOL [Katy Monster] Y AMOR! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] SON COMO HELMANOS [Katy Monster] HERMANOS! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] QUE BUSCAN PLACEL! [Katy Monster] QUE… ¿Ehhhh? [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] DONDE UNO VA EL OTLO LO SIGUE UNO ENCUENTLA AMOL Y EL OTLO LA MISELIA [Katy Monster] Oh sii! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] ENTLE MAS LO AMAS DE MATALO TE DAN GANAS [Katy Monster] AAAAAH AAAAH AAAAAH!
[Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] AMAL Y ODIAL COMO ANILLO AL DEDO VAN [Katy Monster] AMAR Y ODIAR [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] NO SIGUE SI ALGUIEN TE DAN GANAS DE MATALO VAS Y LO BUSCAS Y SI LO ENCUENTLAS NOOOORO MATES [Katy Monster] Noo jajaja! [Jacky Kabuky Nochebuena] POLQUE TALVEZ [Ambas] EL SEA TU AMOL [Katy Monster] Dear Princeton, it was good to see you yesterday. Princeton, I’m sorry about what happened but I’d love to work things out with you. I’m going to visit the viewing platform at the Empire State building at midnight tonight and I’d love for you to come. Can you meet me there? If not, please call and let me know. Otherwise, guess I’ll see you there. Yours, Kate Monster. VIDEO VOICE Five Knights stand. Four Knights Stand Three Knights Stand Two Knights Stand
One Knight Stands One-night stands!!
ESCENA 3 [Katy Monster] Oh! It’s you! [Lucy] Are you the cleaning lady? KATE I will not rise to your bait. Where is Princeton? LUCY He is... finishing up in the shower. You need somethin’ ? KATE I want to leave him this note. That’s all. LUCY Ha! Oh, that kid can be busy all night... Hey girl! Do you mind checking up to see if there are any scratch marks on my back? KATE Oh! Yes! I see them. It looks like they say, “help me”! Se va. [Lucy] A Eugenio fuera de escena. Hey kid, almost done in there? PRINCETON Yeah... I’m drying up. LUCY He doesn’t need to be messing with some monster! Rompe la carta.
ESCENA 4
Entran Brian and Nicky. [Nicky] It’s been a hard few weeks, Brian, after Rod kicked me out. I wanted to say, thank you for letting me staying with you and your lovely bride. BRIAN Actually, I wanted to talk with you about that. (CE comes in) CE Brian, you tell him to go! BRIAN Honey... CE I no do your housework! I no cook for you and clean for you and pick up all your messing! What if he think us are his cleaning lady! This morning I take a shower and I pick up soap and I say: who put the strange green pubic hairs on soap? It don’t belong to me, it don’t belong to Brian, who then could it be? I about to kill him! Go away! (She leaves) NICKY But... but...I... BRIAN Sorry, buddy. NICKY I don’t know where to go! BRIAN Well, you can stay with Princeton! Or... Kate? NICKY I did already, and they kicked me out too. BRIAN There’s got to be someone who can help you out, buddy. Sorry. (He leaves)
(Gary has come in) NICKY Well... ha, ha... Good evening there, Gary! GARY Hi, Nicky! NICKY Listen, Gary, I’ve no place to stay and I was wondering if I could just, you know, sleep on your floor, just for the night... GARY I see.. how about ... NO! NICKY Oh, I’ve asked everyone and if you don’t take me, where will I live? GARY How about on the street? NICKY You mean I should be homeless? GARY Sure NICKY Oh, that’s a terrible way to live! GARY Oh, yeah? Try being that on age fifteen. Look, kid, I know about living in the dumps. But look at the bright side. Think of all the joy you’ll bring to others if they find out just how miserable you are. NICKY What?
SCHADENFREUDE GARY COLEMAN: Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
NICKY: I'll say. GARY COLEMAN: And when I see how sad you are It sort of makes me... Happy! NICKY: Happy?! GARY COLEMAN: Sorry, Nicky, human natureNothing I can do! It's... Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I'm not you. NICKY: Well that's not very nice, Gary! GARY COLEMAN: I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it! D'ja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses? NICKY: Yeah... GARY COLEMAN: And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses? NICKY: Sure! GARY COLEMAN: And don'tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain! NICKY: You bet! GARY COLEMAN: That's...
GARY AND NICKY: Schadenfreude! GARY COLEMAN: People taking pleasure in your pain! NICKY: Oh, Schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word? GARY COLEMAN: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!" NICKY: "Happiness at the misfortune of others." That is German! Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken GARY COLEMAN: Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in! NICKY: Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!" GARY AND NICKY: "No!!!" Schadenfreude! GARY COLEMAN: "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!" NICKY: Ooh, how about... Straight-A students getting Bs? GARY COLEMAN: Exes getting STDs! NICKY: Waking doormen from their naps! GARY COLEMAN: Watching tourists reading maps!
NICKY: Football players getting tackled! GARY COLEMAN: CEOs getting shackled! NICKY: Watching actors never reach GARY AND NICKY: The ending of their oscar speech! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! GARY COLEMAN: The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate. 'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us, and that makes them feel great. NICKY: Sure! We provide a vital service to society! GARY AND NICKY: You and me! Schadenfreude! Making the world a better place... Making the world a better place... Making the world a better place... To be! GARY COLEMAN: S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
ESCENA 5 Desde la cima del Empire State. [Katy Monster] All those people look like ants down there and their parts look about as tiny as the ones inside the men I dated.
Princeton gave me this penny once, he said it was a symbol of his hopes and dreams. And he never called though I asked him to and I don’t see him anywhere. Pretty soon he’ll be an hour late if he comes at all. (Lucy and Princeton come in) PRINCETON Hey, Lucy! Where did you go this morning? I’ve been looking all over for you! LUCY Oh, man! Why do I always get the clingy guys? PRINCETON No, you left, that’s all. And I didn’t say goodbye. LUCY Listen, kid, sorry to be honest, but look at me! I can have my pick of the litter! If I wanted a relationship I’d find a guy with a good job, who has a future and some money. And not some well bone babyface kid who need to run his parents and cant get his act together. (She leaves) PRINCETON I think I heard a compliment there, somewhere. (He leaves) KATE I’m gonna get rid of this stupid penny. And I’ll make a wish. I hope, more than anything, I hope I find someone who I love, someone who loves me back. (She throws the penny). Somehow I don’t feel any better. (Princeton and Lucy come in) PRINCETON Lucy, I’m only looking for my purpose. My big break, my big revelation. LUCY You know the only revelation people had in life, kiddo? They’re not
special. You’re not special. You’re not luckier or more gifted than anyone else. PRINCETON You don’t think so. LUCY No! PRINCETON Well, Im gonna run past by this place, I’ll think about what you said just now. LUCY What’s so special about this place? PRINCETON Oh, you mean, here, on 34tth an 5th, at the entrance of the Empire State building? El penny cae justo en la cabeza de Lucy. Cae al suelo inconsciente. PRINCETON Lucy?
ESCENA 6 En el hospital. [Eugenio] Lucy, can you hear me? KATE Princeton, I... I heard your friend had an accident. How is she? PRINCETON Her head fell off in the ambulance. And the doctors spent the night sewing it back on. But the prognosis is good. KATE What happened to her? PRINCETON
Some idiot threw a penny from the Empire State building. KATE ... Shit!... PRINCETON Kate, what are you doing here? KATE Why didn’t you bother in saying you weren’t coming? PRINCETON What? KATE I told you, in my note... PRINCETON What note? KATE The one I left with... Oh! I feel better now! PRINCETON How are you, Kate? KATE Honestly? PRINCETON Of course! KATE I’m working in Starbucks. I miss my students. I work all day and I’m poorer than ever. PRINCETON And what about your dream? KATE Some people’s dreams come true, but I don’t think I’m one of those people. PRINCETON
Don’t say that. KATE But that’s the way life is, Princeton. Nobody teaches you that when you are a kid, because if you knew, no one would ever dream or want to grow up. But you can’t stop growing up. I’m late for work. PRINCETON Kate, listen! I wish you were happy. And I wish I had my life together, but I don’t and I don’t know what’s gonna happen. And I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings because I think you’re so special. Sorry, that wasn’t more articulate. KATE It was perfectly articulate. I should go. Sale.
ESCENA 7 [Nicky] Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oh, hi, Rod! ROD Is that the wind I hear wrestling through the branches? NICKY Listen, Rod, for now on I’ll believe anything you say about yourself. And I apologize for being such a messy roommate. And now that I have a place on my own, right that dumpster over there, I appreciate how hard it is to keep things nice! Well...? (Christmas Eve comes in) Ok Rod, buddy, I see you around. CE Rod. Are you Ok? ROD Christmas Eve... Can I get soft with you briefly? (He lies on CE’s lap). CE
Sure. What the problem today? ROD Well... it’ sad... it’s really... I can’t... CE Go on... ROD Well, I look at my friends who are married now, and... well... I look at you and Brian... and... CE Go on... ROD Why don’t I have someone by my side who makes me feel special and safe? Someone who... loves me the way I love them... CE Rod... you special... Rod... you safe. ROD I miss Nicky. CE I know you do. Obscuro.
ESCENA 8 Katy está en el área del observatorio del edificio Empire State.
I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO COLLEGE [Katy Monster] I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then. Nicky aparece temblando en una esquina obscura. NICKY: What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again! Nicky y Katy suspiran. La luz se enciende con Eugenio, en el hospital sentado junto a la cama de Lucy. PRINCETON: I wish I could go back to college. In college you know who you are. You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God! I am totally gonna go far!" ALL: How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore! PRINCETON: I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door! Ohhh... I wish I could just drop a class... NICKY: Or get into a play... KATE MONSTER: Or change my major... PRINCETON: Or fuck my T.A. ALL: I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be... Sitting in the computer lab, 4 A.M. before the final paper is due, Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner, And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
PRINCETON: I wish I could go back to college! ALL: How do I go back to college?! AHHHH... PRINCETON: I wish I had taken more pictures. NICKY: But if I were to go back to college, Think what a loser I'd beI'd walk through the quad, And think "Oh my God..." ALL: "These kids are so much younger than me."
ESCENA 9 [Nicky] Ayuda al desamparado! Ayuda al desamparado Hey Eugenio… [Eugenio] Ohh hola.. [Nicky] Uuy te vez fatal! [Eugenio] Mmm he tenido mejores días. [Nicky] Yo también estoy como para la basura. Es más… ¡vivo en la basura! ¿Eit… podrías hacer algo por mi? [Eugenio] ¿Como qué?
[Nicky] ¡Dame un pesito! [Eugenio] Ohh Nicky.. ahorita no. [Nicky] ¡Hay ándale que mueres de ganas! ¡Dame un pesito! [Eugenio] En verdad Nicky, necesito estar solo. [Nicky] ¿Sabes qué? Deberías de dejar de pensar en ti y empezar a ayudar a los demás ¡Como a mí por ejemplo! ¡Dame un pesito!
DAME UN PESITO [Nicky] QUE MAS TE DA VERAS QUE BONITO TENER CARIDAD DAR AYUDA NOS ACERCA MAS A DIOS! DAME UN PESITO Princeton: Mmm.. No tengo cambio. Nicky: Hmmm....okay. DAME UN BILLETE EMITETE UN CHEQUE ENTRE MAS DAS RECIBES MAS Y VIVO ESTAS TODO LO QUE SIEMPRE SI SIGUES EL EJEMPLO DE JESUS EL TE LO DABA
ASI QUE HAZLO TU [Eugenio] Okay, okay, okay, aquí tienes. [Nicky] Uff bien gracias! [Eugenio] Ya que te vaya bien. Wow! [Nicky] Chin… ¿Qué pasa? [Eugenio] De repente me siento compasivo y generoso. [Nicky] Y si me das uno de 20 te vas a sentir mucho mejor! [Eugenio] Ayudar a los demás te hace sentir increíble! Todo esta vida me la he pasado pensando en mi, en mi, en mi, y mira a donde me ha llevado Y ahora voy a ser algo por alguien más. [Nicky] Por miiiii! [Eugenio] No, por Katy. Voy a ayudarla a construir su estúpida escuela para monstruos de la que siempre me ha hablado. DAME DINERO [Nicky] ¿Queeee? [Eugenio] ES PARA KATY.
[Nicky] ¡Es para un sándwich! [Eugenio] VAMOS NICKY TE HARA SENTIR BIEN. [Nicky] ¡Lo mismo el sándwich! [Eugenio] VOY CON ETRAGON SU SUEÑO SE VUELVE REALIDAD ASI QUE DAME DINERO. [Nicky] Me gustaría hacerlo pero no puedo [Eugenio] DAME DINERO. [Nicky] Me encantaría pero no tengo… [Eugenio] DIJE QUE DAME DINERO! [Nicky] Aaay es que no puedo, soy pobre, no tengo… aaay! Eugenio le da una bofetada a Nicky. [Nicky] Okay, ahi te va. Cambia el sentir de Nicky. [Nicky] AHHH DE REPENTE HOY ME SIENTO MAS CERCA DE DIOS YA NO HAY QUE PEDIR MAS ES TIEMPO DE DAR QUE LE PUEDO A RODRI DAR?
Algo que le guste tanto que me vuelva a invitar a vivir con él. Ooh, ya sé que! Un novioooo! [Eugenio] Esa es la tocada! [Ambos] CUANDO DAS TODO TE SIENTES MUCHO MEJOR CUANDO DAS TODO TE SIENTES MUCHO MEJOR AYUDAR DISFRUTARAS Y A TI TE AYUDARAS CUANDO DAS TODO TE SIENTES MUCHO MEJOR [Carlitos Espejel] Hey muchachos… ¿Qué están haciendo? [Nicky] Estamos juntando dinero! [Eugenio] Estamos juntando dinero Para una escuela para monstruos! Christmas Eve: Es tamos tan felices Acabamos de cambial todo legalitos de boda pol cash! [Brian] Mi amor, no les digas eso a ellos. Christmas Eve: Hagalamos como 2,000 pesos! [Brian] ¡Muchas gracias! Christmas Eve:
¡Somos ricos! [Eugenio] Y no les gustaría donar para una noble causa? Christmas Eve: ¿Tipo? [Eugenio] Estamos ayudando a Katy a construir su escuela para monstruos. Christmas Eve: ¿escuela pala monstuos? [Brian] ¡Suena como un buen pretexto eehh! [Eugenio] ¡Y lo es! Christmas Eve: ¡Caltela! Le da algo de dinero a Carlitos. [Carlitos Espejel] ¿$15 pesos? [Nicky] ¿$15 pesos? [Eugenio] ¿Queee…$15 pesos? Christmas Eve: Todo cuenta. [Nicky] Se me hace que le vamos A pedir a más gente! Voltean hacia el público y pasan el sombrero.
All: Hey! DENOS DINERO! TODO EL QUE TRAE! NO SEA TACAÑO... [Carlitos Espejel] Amagando a Eugenio. O EL LO SUFRIRA! [Eugenio] Hey! [Todos] ES HORA DE AFLOJAR [Carlitos Espejel] QUE NO HAY NADA QUE LE IMPIDA [Todos] DAME DINERO DENNOS DINERO DAME DINERO CUANDO DAS TODO TE SIENTES MUCHO MEJOR CUANDO DAS TODO TE SIENTES MUCHO MEJOR AYUDAR DISFRUTARAS Y A TI TE AYUDARAS CUANDO DAS TODO TE SIENTES MUCHO MEJOR Eugenio cuenta el dinero.
SCHOOL FOR MONSTERS\THE MONEY SONG (REPRISE) CE (spoken) How much do we get? PRINCETON
Dependiendo cuanto haya puesto el público en el sombrero. Boy, it's not very much at all, is it? CE Those people bunch of cheap snakes! Al público. BRIAN Never say never, Princeton, there's still one more person we have to hit up! Se asoma Trekkie por la ventana. TREKKIE MONSTER No! No! No! Go away. Me busy. CHRISTMAS EVE But it for good cause! TREKKIE MONSTER What in it for me? Go away! PRINCETON I guess Kate'll never get her school for Monsters. TREKKIE MONSTER What you say? BRIAN Kate wants to open a school for Monsters. TREKKIE MONSTER School for Monsters? Me never hear of that! UNA ESCUELA PARA MONSTRUOS CHIQUITITOS DE PEQUEÑO IR A ESTUDIAR OTROS NIÑOS SIEMPRE INSULTAR Y MI PELAJE MALTRATAR
IR A TERAPIA TRATAR DE SUPERAR TERAPIA NO NECESITAR Y ESCUELA SER UNA REALIDAD jajajajja Oki Dokkie! mmm mi dar 10 millones de dólares Princeton: Trekkie! where did you get all that money?? Trekkie Monster: In volatile market, only stable investment is porn! All: When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself! When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself! Every time you Do good deeds You’re also serving Your own needs. When you help others, You can’t Help Helping yourself! CE It’s your school Kate! BRIAN And here’s a check with enough money to run it, and buy the building... CE And you can hire teachers, and cafeteria delis and make a real looking school for monsters! We all raise the money! KATE You mean... all that money... for me?
BRIAN Most of it came form a donor who wishes to remain anonymous. GARY Well... let’s just say I joined in too... KATE Well... I don’t know what to say! BRIAN Just say thanks! KATE Thank you! Thank you everybody! The entire monster community thanks all of you! BRIAN Listen! Now that everybody’s all gathered here, Christmas Eve and I have an announcement! CE We getting divorce ALL What! CE I Only kidding! But... we leaving Avenue Q... KATE What? CE We married now... and try to move on... so we move to nicer neighbourhood... to lower east side! KATE But you can’t leave! BRIAN Oh! Come on guys! We’ll still keep in touch! Oh! And there’s another reason... I’m starting a new career!
ALL Yeah!! BRIAN I’m a consultant! (silence) CE I not know what that is... but I so proud of him! And I have good news too! I finally get a regular client! I a paid therapist! NICKY Oh! Who is your client? CE Oh! I not allowed to say, but I see him seven times a week at 1.25 an hour... he need a lot of help... Me work through his issues, and he become this integrated person! KATE I bet I know who he is! CE He much better! NICKY Who!? You mean Rod!? CE I not aRod to say. BRIAN Say... where is he anyway? Get him out here! (A gunshot is heard) ALL Ohhh! CE Oh! Damn it!!! (Rod comes out with a bottle of Champaign)
ROD Yoohoo!! Champaign for everybody! I’ve got some news! CE Oh Rod! You OK... ROD You are Ok too. Haaaaaa... Oh everyone! I have confronted my fears at last, so I have a few things I’d like to say. Number one: I apologize for being so ... it was all because... well... this is number two: hold you applause everybody... because I Rod... am GAY! (silence)Ok. And three: Nicky... Oh Nicky.... I’m so sorry... you’re my best friend...I’ve missed you so much... Will you move back in with me? NICKY Oh!!! Well!! I’d be too happy Rod!! ROD All right!! NICKY Yeahh!! (They hug) Hey Rod! Guess what I did! I’ve put a persona add all over the Internet with your picture on it! ROD You did what?! NICKY And... I’ve found someone veeery special!! Wait here... ROD Whaaaaat!!! Hoooo!! Hooo!! Hoooo!! NICKY Rod! I’d like you to meet Ricky! RICKY Hi! Rodney, it’s nice to meet you. NICKY
I think I know your type. ROD Ohhh! Sweet suffering Jesus!! Nicky and Ricky! My karma it’s over---that’s cute! (He goes inside with Ricky, jumping and shouting) GARY Everybody’s dreams are coming true and then there’s Gary Coleman... BRIAN Ohh come on Gary! KATE You still got all of us! GARY Yeah... well, since you two are leaving, I’d better go put that damn “for rent” sign back up
HAY UNA LINEA MUY, MUY DELGADA (REPRISE) [Katy Monster] Mirando a su edificio. The Monsterssori School... I don’t even know where to start! Christmas Eve: Do you know who get idea and collect All the money and buy building for you? Kate Monster: Was it you? Christmas Eve: No. It Princeton. Kate Monster: Princeton? For me? Entra Eugenio.
Princeton: You said you couldn’t make your dreams come True by yourself, so I shot for the stars. YOU’VE GOTTA GO AFTER THE THINGS YOU WANT WHILE YOU’RE STILL IN YOUR PRIME. Kate Monster: There’s a fine, fine line Between love... Thank you Princeton. Princeton: So will you take me back, Kate? Kate Monster: I’ll be so busy now, with all of the contractors And inspections and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks... Princeton: Well, I could help you. Kate Monster: Can we take it one day at a time? Carlitos cuelga el anuncio de “Se Renta”. Un joven títere de apariencia optimista aparece.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH? (REPRISE) Newcomer: What do you do With a B.A. in English? Oh, look! A "for rent" sign! Oh, my God! You’re Gary Coleman! Gary Coleman: Yes, I am! Newcomer: Say, can you tell me where to find the super?
Gary Coleman: I am the super. Newcomer: Well, listen - I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent? Gary Coleman: Oh, sure! Princeton: Wait a minute! Wait a minute, that’s it! Kate Monster: What? [Eugenio] My PURPOSE! Viendo así a este norteñito todo inocente e ingenuo cree que le ha pasado todo pero, para nada! Lo peor está por venir, tal vez necesita ayuda tal vez mi meta en la vida es utilizar todos mis conocimientos y aprendizajes y ponerlos en un MUSICAL! [Brian] Estás Pacheco? [Recien llegado] Ha huevo! y para tu información yo no soy ningún morrito pendejo ¡Así que vas y chingas a tu madre! ¡Pinche enano mamón!
POR HOY [Eugenio] ¿Por qué todo tiene que ser tan difícil?
[Carlitos Espejel] Tal vez, nunca encuentres tu propósito. [Jacky] Hay mucha gente que nunca lo hace. [Eugenio] Entonces ni siquiera se para que estoy vivo! [Katy Monster] ¿Y quién lo sabe? ALGO INSATISFECHOS VIVIMOS QUE MAL! [Brian] TODO EL MUNDO TIENE UN VACIO ESPIRITUAL [Carlitos Espejel] NO HAY QUE HABLAR, OBSERVAR, [Brian] SOLO HUMILDAD, [Katy Monster] POR HOY... [Brian, Katy, Carlitos, Jacky] POR HOY... [Nicky] NADA DURA, [Rodri] LA VIDA ES DURA, [Nicky] POR MAS QUE MADRUGAS. [Rodri] ENFRENTAR PROBLEMAS CON MUCHA BRAVURA
[Jacky] UN SACLIFICIO HACEL Y ACTUAL CON COLDULA POL HOY… [Trekkie Monster] POR HOY... [Todos] SOLO POR SOLO POR SOLO POR SOLO POR
HOY! (POR HOY!) HOY! (POR HOY!) HOY! (POR HOY!) HOY!
[Lucy] Chicos, Chicos, salí corriendo de mi clase de Biblia para alcanzarlos en el gran final [Katy Monster] Lucy… ¿Eres tú? [Lucy] Soy la nueva yo, Fui salvada por nuestro Señor y hasta me devolvió la virginidad Chicos, soy virgen de nuevo! [Ositos Malositos] Nosotros también nos hemos regenerado Nos dieron de alta en Oceánica! Yupiiiii!!!! [Lucy] MUY SALUDABLES [Brian] CON CHAMBA POR HOY [Ositos Malositos] POR HOY FELICES,
[Katy Monster] SIN EXAGERAR, [Eugenio] Y ACEPTAR LO QUE NO PUEDO CAMBIAR POR HOY… [Carlitos Espejel] POR HOY… [Trekkie Monster] POR HOY… [Katy Monster] POR HOY… [Todos] SOLO POR SOLO POR SOLO POR SOLO POR
HOY! (POR HOY!) HOY! (POR HOY!) HOY! (POR HOY!) HOY!
SOLO POR HOY! (PODER VIVIR!) SOLO POR HOY! (PODER AMAR!) SOLO POR HOY! (PODER CHAMBEAR!) SOLO POR FELICIDAD! SOLO POR HOY! (POR HOY LA HUEVA!) SOLO POR HOY! (POR LA AMISTAD!) SOLO POR HOY! (POR HOY!) SOLO POR HOY! SOLO POR HOY! (SEXO!) SOLO POR HOY! (PELOS!) SOLO POR HOY!
(EL PAN!) SOLO POR HOY! NO HAY MAS REGLAS DEJANDOLO ATRAS INEVITABLE ES MORIR PAGAR IMPUESTOS Y CUMPLIR [Todos] TAN SOLO POR HOOOOOY
[Nicky] SIEMPRE SONRIE
SOLO POR HOOOOOY
[Katy Monster] HASTA QUE EL CUERPO SE ESTIRE
SOLO POR HOOOOOY
[Eugenio] LA VIDA ASUSTA
SOLO POR HOOOOOY
[Eugenio] PERO QUE IMPORTA
LO DURA [Todos] BA-DUM BA-DUM, BA-DUM BA-DUM BA DUM BA-DUM BA-DA DA DA DA BA-DA DA-DA DA DA-DA BA-DUM BA-DA, BA-DUM BA-DA, OOOOOH[Eugenio] ESTA VIDA ES TAN SOLO POR HOY! Cae el telón. Fin del Segundo Acto. Fin de la Obra.
