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Written by
Brian Burke
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he biggest difference I see between guys who are good with women and guys who struggle is that the successful guys don’t get upset when they get “rejected.” If they approach a woman, and she is not interested, they don’t see it as a big deal – it’s her loss. So before you can even begin to think about technique is to wrap your mind around the fact that you WILL have to face some rejection from women if you are going to be approaching them. The key is to keep going, and not shut down. Experience trumps any fancy technique. Also, if you are scared of getting rejected, you will repel women with your insecure body language and nervous energy. When applying the following techniques, you must understand that it ca n be a challenge – and often requires months of experience - before you can MindRead her type on the approach. Therefore, it’s likely you will use an opening line or technique that is not perfectly suited to her type. That’s OK – as along as you have the universal fundamentals of approaching down, you won’t do anything too unattractive. The skill you must develop is fast calibration to each type. To keep things simple, remember that her Time Line is most important on the initial approach, and what kinds of dates you go on. Her Sex Line is most important in terms of the amount of sexual tension you create, and how fast you try to escalate to more intimacy. Her Relationship Line is most important regarding the content of conversation, and what types of compliance she gives you.
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You always have a 50% chance to calibrate to her personality factor – she’s either an N or T, J or D, I or R. If you do something wrong, adapt. That’s the great thing about dealing with women – the instant you adapt and exhibit attractive cues, they respond instantly. Imagine a woman instantly growing larger breasts or becoming more pretty instantly – you would be a ttracted without thinking. The same thing works in reverse, only you aren’t changing in your appearance, but in your personality (stemming from your thoughts). When it comes to approaching, you really only have to be concerned with her Time Line – whether she is a Tester or iNvestor. So we will explore the ideal ways to approach Testers and iNvestors, how to gauge which she is, and how to adapt if you make a mistake. When teaching men how to approach, I use three categories of environments where you will see women. The names may sound technical but they are really easy to understand, and you’ll see why these categories are important to understand.
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Static This is a situation where you and the woman are in a place for an extended period of time. There’s no rush and very little movement. For example, let’s say you nd a seat in a café after getting your coffee, and you notice a woman sitting at a nearby table working on her laptop. This is static, because you are both going to be there for awhile – there’s no rush. Other examples: -Bookstore -Library -Sitting in a park during your lunch break (and she is clearly on her break as well) -You’re both sitting at a bus stop, or on a bus/train sitting next to each other -Work or class (this is the ultimate static situation and any attempt at courtship should be drawn out over the course of several weeks/months, depending on the situation) In static situations, it’s best to use a situational comment or question to start a conversation. Notice what she is doing or focusing on, and ask her a question about it. Or make a comment – if you see her reading a book, you can make a comment about the book. If you say something very direct (e.g. telling her she’s beautiful and you want to meet her), it will come off as too intense and socially awkward. A genuine compliment about her choice of clothing is also a good choice, but make sure to use a light, relaxed tonality. This is not the time for a direct, intense approach.
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Dynamic-in-static This is typically a nighttime social situation – a bar, nightclub, or party is a dynamic-in-static situation. I personally like to be direct in these situations, to set a sexual precedence early on. However, this is not always the ideal way to go (maybe I’m just lazy and like to stick to my “bread and butter”). What seems to work the best in this environment is a specic compliment about an effort the woman made to look attractive: “You look great in that dress,” “I like your hair,” “You have a unique style – I noticed you right away.” These all convey a sexual intention, but are also socially acceptable things to say, and are light and positive. A good rule of thumb in bars and clubs is to use a light, direct approach by giving a sincere, specic compliment.
Dynamic I’m sure you’ve been in this situation: you’re walking down the street and you see a beautiful woman walking towards you. You look at her, and your mind goes blank. You crane your neck behind you as she walks past. If only you had a way of stopping her. If only you knew what to say. For Vin and I, this is our favorite situation to approach, because if you do it right, you create massive attraction in a short period of time. And it requires BALLS. Approaching women on the street is a very socially atypical thing to do – it’s rare to see it, if ever. It does happen (as women have told me), but almost never in a way that women actually enjoy. A dynamic situation is when there is a very short time window to approach, because you and the woman are in motion, going in different directions. In this setting, you should go direct, with passion, intense focus, and an extremely warm attitude.
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Here are some more examples: -She’s leaving the store while you are still in line at the checkout. Do you jump out of line and go after her before she gets to her car? (hint: yes.) -You pass by her in the mall -You see her sitting on a park bench as you jog past -She is in a restaurant having drinks/food with her girlfriends and you see her through the window as you walk past Simply understanding the difference between these three categories, and which types of approaches work best means you are three-quarters of the way to fully optimizing your chances for success. The last piece is about calibrating to her personality type.
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Calibrating to her type The easiest way to gauge whether a woman is a Tester or iNvestor is to give her a direct compliment, with strong eye contact (lock eyes for a moment before speaking). If she seems a bit uncomfortable, or smiles but looks away quickly as if she’s distracted, she is a Tester. Tone down the direct, conversational focus. Give her space, and adopt a more playful, spontaneous, physical mindset. Do something silly like making a funny face, or clinking glasses in a toast. If she’s an iNvestor, she will respond with eye contact and seem genuinely attered. She may put her hand out and ask your name. On the ip side, let’s you approach in a fun, non-sexual way. We’ll call this being “indirect.” You use something in the environment to initiate a conversation. This is never “wrong,” and in fact is the safest way to ensure a positive response, because you aren’t showing any sexual intention. However, if she is an iNvestor, she may smile politely, or respond with a laugh or one-word response, and pay no more attention to you. This is because she won’t understand that you are talking to her because you selected her out of the crowd. iNvestors need focused attention. If this is the response you get, simply follow up with a question aimed at her – you can keep it simple, e.g. “So how’s your day going?” If she does neither, either you had poor paralanguage (bad posture, talking to fast or quiet, or came off creepy in some way), or she’s not interested in meeting a man right now.
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Best ways to approach Static Tester: make a joke – an observation about something relating to the environment. Keep the focus off her for now. iNvestor: ask her a question relating to what she’s doing or paying attention to. Convey that you noticed her out of the crowd.
Examples •
Café – she appears to be studying (reading or working on a laptop) o
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iNvestor: Ask her if she goes to the local university and what she is studying. (notice how this is a more direct approach because of how focused you are on her immediately.) Tester: Make a lighthearted comment about what popped into your head when you saw her studying, “I’m so glad I’m done with school. I was the worst student ever.” (This is better suited for a Tester.)
Work – she works in another department and you have set your sights on her. o
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In this case, it is better to always go slow. T vs. N is not as big a concern here as simply being friendly, and GRADUALLY spending more time together outside the ofce. If you try to pick her up or go to fast, you will make things awkward. Always say hi when you see her. After a couple times, ask her if she’s new to the company and how things are going for her so far. Introduce yourself and move on.
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After about 3-5 encounters, invite her to join you and your crew for lunch, or see if she wants to try a place that just opened up in town – the two of you can be pioneers for the ofce.
Eating lunch in the park o
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iNvestor: “I think I’ve seen you out here before. Do you work nearby?” Tester: “I love this weather. I gotta think of a way to convince my boss to let me work outside!”
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Dynamic-in-static Tester: do something silly or physical – like giving her a high ve, or simply giving her a big smile and saying “hey there!” iNvestor: give her a compliment about how something she chose to wear or do to look attractive – her hair, outt, jewelry are all great places to start.
Examples •
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Upscale nightclub o
iNvestor: “Wow – you look great tonight. What’s your name?”
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Tester: “My drink can beat up your drink.”
College bar watching the game o
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Tester: Give her a hi-ve when the hometeam scores, or because you like her jersey/face paint iNvestor: Ask her if she graduated from the local university. If she’s still in school, look surprised. If she did, ask her what she ended up going into. If she is from somewhere else, ask what she is doing in town.
Friend’s house party o
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Tester: Introduce yourself and ask her how she knows the host. Both: Say “cheers” and clink glasses. (This works with both types. The intensity of your focus should be calibrated to T - N)
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Dynamic Tester: be direct, but adopt a very playful attitude and tease her in the rst 30 seconds if possible. Convey that you are in a great mood today and meeting each other is an adventure. iNvestor: be direct, but instead of teasing her, be very warm and reassuring. Convey that you are very curious about who she is as a person.
Examples •
Passing on the street o
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iNvestor: Let her pass, then double back, try to get in front of her without being scary, and say, “I know this is crazy, but I think you are so beautiful I had to meet you.” Tester: Ask her for directions, and then transition to a personal conversation by asking if she’s from in town, and how she likes it.
She is sitting at a café or in a restaurant as you walk by o
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There’s really only one effective, authentic way to do this, unless you are extremely creative and can think of a reason to talk to her aside from the fact that you’re attracted to her. Usually there is such a small time window that by the time you think of something, the moment is gone. Just go for it, and calibrate based on her response. “Excuse me. I noticed you as I walked by…you almost made me trip over myself! I know I’m interrupting, but I had to take a second to talk to you. I’m Brian.”
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At a mall – she is shopping in a store or walking past o
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iNvestor: “Excuse me. I know its dangerous to get in the way of a woman shopping, but I think you are breathtaking. I’d kick myself if I didn’t say hi before I left.” Tester: “Hey – do you know if there’s a Kenneth Cole store in here? (Whatever she says,) You seem to have a good fashion sense. I suck at picking clothes out for myself. What do you think of vertical striped button downs? Are they still in style? So what could you see on me? OK cool – thanks. By the way, what’s your name? (Introduce yourself). Are you from the area?”
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Review If you say something direct, like a compliment about her beauty, there are two ways she will respond. She may appear uncomfortable and avoid eye contact (Tester), or she may lock eyes with you to see if you are sincere (iNvestor). Likewise, if you say something indirect, she may light up and engage you Tester), or she may respond with the bare minimum required to not appear rude (iNvestor). Either way, as long as you use the principles of Universal female psychology when you approach, you won’t do anything extreme enough to ruin your chances. Simple notice her response and calibrate immediately. Remember, every failure is a step towards success. Don’t worry about being perfect – amass experience and have fun trying new ways to meet women!
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©Vin DiCarlo
