CABIN PRESSURE TRANSCRIPTS SEASON 1 – EPISODE EPISODE 1: 1: Ab u Dh abi [bing bong ] Douglas Richardson here. Just to let you know, Douglas: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Douglas we are making our final approach now into what I am fairly sure is Fitton is Fitton Airfield. Unless it‘s a farm. farm. Or just possibly the A45. the A45. It‘s not the sea, because that‘s blue. I should perhaps explain that Captain Crieff and I have a sportsman-like little bet on today about who can fly the best after drinking a liter of vodka through a straw. The Captain went first. You may have noticed the takeoff run was a little bumpy, particularly over the golf course. Now it‘s me to land… just as soon as I decide which of these two runways to aim for. And I‘m happy to tell you that I feel lucky! So on behalf of all your crew today, may I just say… GERONIMO!! [credits] credits] Martin: Blessed. Douglas: Ah yes, of course. May. Martin: Mm-hmm, yep. Cant. with nothing in it, tea with everything in it. Great cabin address, Arthur: Here we are, gents: coffee with Douglas. I love cargo flights. Douglas: Thank you, Arthur. Ooh! Eno. Martin: Ooh! Eno. Douglas: Ooweeno? Martin: Ooh, Eno. yes! Sewell. Douglas: Ah yes! Sewell. Arthur: Ooh, what are we playing? Martin: Brians of Britain. Arthur: There must be loads of them! Umm… uhhh… Douglas: Well, not to worry, as they come to you… that game show, show, ―Can I have a ‗P‘ please, ‗P‘ please, Arthur: Oh! Who was that guy… um, oh, gray hair, did that game Bob?‖ Bob?‖ Um, what was his his name? Douglas: Your hope being that it was Brian? Arthur: Yeah! Brian… uh, Brian… Holness, it was Bob Holness. Bob Holness. Martin: Bob Holness, it Arthur: That‘s it! Oh. Well, does he count anyway? Douglas: Does Bob Holness count in our list of people called Brian? What the hell, yes he does. Well done. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ at Arden, Tower: Golf tango india, expect twenty minute delay due runway inspection. Enter the hold at Arden, maintain seven thousand feet. hold at Arden, maintain seven thousand feet. Can you confirm delay only Martin: Golf tango india, roger, hold twenty minutes? Tower: *sigh* Probably. It all depends, really. informative, as ever. Out. Sorry chaps, looks like we‘d better divert di vert Martin: Thank you, tower. Hugely informative, to Bristol. to Bristol. Arthur: Bristol? Why? Martin: Fitton‘s got a runway closure, we‘d have to hold for twenty minutes. Arthur: But Bristol, that‘s miles away. Martin: Yes, luckily enough, though, we‘re in an aeroplane, specially designed to be good at going miles away quite quickly. Arthur: Yeah, but my car‘s at Fitton. m eans circle ‗round it until we drop out of the sky. Martin: Oh, well, then, let us by all means Martin, all these years and I‘ve never been to Bristol. Douglas: Do you know, Martin, Martin: Well get ready for a treat. to break my duck. Douglas: I don‘t know, I was rather hoping not to break Arthur: Skipper, are you sure there‘s not enough fuel to wait? Cause, there‘s always a little bit left when the gauge shows red. a Vauxhall Corsa as a stupid Martin: Yes, oddly enough Arthur, a jet aircraf t isn‘t as precisely similar to aVauxhall person might imagine. We‘re going to Bristol. Arthur: What d‘you reckon, Douglas?
Douglas: We could go to Bristol, I believe people do… However, we‘ve easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty. Martin: No, I‘m sorry, but we‘re diverting. Douglas reckons twenty minutes… Arthur: Hang on a tick, though, if Douglas tick ,‖ let‘s listen to the captain, shall we? Martin: No, let‘s not ―hang on a tick,‖ Douglas: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall. Martin: Thank you. Douglas: Unless, of course, we were to smell smoke in the flight deck. Martin: What? Douglas: I‘m just saying, if, by any remote chance, we smelled smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority. In this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton. sm ell smoke in the flight deck. Martin: Yes, maybe, but I don‘t smell [match striking ] Douglas: How about now? Martin: What are you suggesting, Douglas? Douglas: We tell the tower we smell smoke, which we do. We get to land straightaway, they check the aircraft, don‘t find anything, one of life‘s little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances. Everybody‘s happy and there‘s jam for tea. rea lly clever. Arthur: Right! That‘s, you know, that‘s really Martin: No, I‘m sorry, but absolutely not. Douglas: I used to do it all the time at Air England. no w, where you are now is in the coco-pilot‘s seat, and on the way to Martin: Well, you‘re not at Air England now, Bristol. You‘ll like it. They have a lovely lovelysuspension suspension bridge. just satcom Carolyn before we make our final decision? It‘s rather an expensive Douglas: Well, shall I just satcom diversion. our final decision. I have decided, and as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am Martin: No, we have made our supreme commander of this vessel. Douglas: Golly. Captain Bligh flies again. When you‘re on Captain Bligh‘s aircraft you Martin: Douglas, I‘m not impressed by your Air England mates. When can do it his way, but when you‘re on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood? Douglas: Yes. Martin: Yes, what ? Douglas: Yes it is. Martin: Yes it is, what ? Douglas: Yes it is understood. Martin: Yes it is understood, what ? Douglas: Yes it is understood, please? Martin: I‘m waiting. Douglas: Martin, you‘re not seriously asking me to call you ‗sir‘? Martin: Yes, I am; why is that so hard to believe? Douglas: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves… I‘m old enough to be your father. Martin: Not unless you started very young. Douglas: I did. Martin: Right, well, I think your age and your previous role has given you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft, and maybe a little observation of the formalities will help remind you which one of us is still the captain, so… Is that understood? Douglas: Yes… sir . view of your delay, request diversion Brisol. Martin: Thank you. Fitton approach, golf tango india, in view ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
plane [ plane landing ] a berk. Carolyn: Martin, you‘re a berk. Martin: I‘m not a berk, Carolyn, I‘m an airline captain. Carolyn: Wrong on both counts, you‘re a colossal berk, and you‘re not an airline captain. I don‘t have an airline; I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot dot . Martin: Look, I‘m sorry Carolyn, but I can‘t just magic up extra fuel. Carolyn: Yes, and I can‘t just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the West the West Country. Country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Don‘t tell me you voluntarily went to Br istol? istol?
Douglas: We could go to Bristol, I believe people do… However, we‘ve easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty. Martin: No, I‘m sorry, but we‘re diverting. Douglas reckons twenty minutes… Arthur: Hang on a tick, though, if Douglas tick ,‖ let‘s listen to the captain, shall we? Martin: No, let‘s not ―hang on a tick,‖ Douglas: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall. Martin: Thank you. Douglas: Unless, of course, we were to smell smoke in the flight deck. Martin: What? Douglas: I‘m just saying, if, by any remote chance, we smelled smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority. In this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton. sm ell smoke in the flight deck. Martin: Yes, maybe, but I don‘t smell [match striking ] Douglas: How about now? Martin: What are you suggesting, Douglas? Douglas: We tell the tower we smell smoke, which we do. We get to land straightaway, they check the aircraft, don‘t find anything, one of life‘s little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances. Everybody‘s happy and there‘s jam for tea. rea lly clever. Arthur: Right! That‘s, you know, that‘s really Martin: No, I‘m sorry, but absolutely not. Douglas: I used to do it all the time at Air England. no w, where you are now is in the coco-pilot‘s seat, and on the way to Martin: Well, you‘re not at Air England now, Bristol. You‘ll like it. They have a lovely lovelysuspension suspension bridge. just satcom Carolyn before we make our final decision? It‘s rather an expensive Douglas: Well, shall I just satcom diversion. our final decision. I have decided, and as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am Martin: No, we have made our supreme commander of this vessel. Douglas: Golly. Captain Bligh flies again. When you‘re on Captain Bligh‘s aircraft you Martin: Douglas, I‘m not impressed by your Air England mates. When can do it his way, but when you‘re on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood? Douglas: Yes. Martin: Yes, what ? Douglas: Yes it is. Martin: Yes it is, what ? Douglas: Yes it is understood. Martin: Yes it is understood, what ? Douglas: Yes it is understood, please? Martin: I‘m waiting. Douglas: Martin, you‘re not seriously asking me to call you ‗sir‘? Martin: Yes, I am; why is that so hard to believe? Douglas: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves… I‘m old enough to be your father. Martin: Not unless you started very young. Douglas: I did. Martin: Right, well, I think your age and your previous role has given you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft, and maybe a little observation of the formalities will help remind you which one of us is still the captain, so… Is that understood? Douglas: Yes… sir . view of your delay, request diversion Brisol. Martin: Thank you. Fitton approach, golf tango india, in view ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
plane [ plane landing ] a berk. Carolyn: Martin, you‘re a berk. Martin: I‘m not a berk, Carolyn, I‘m an airline captain. Carolyn: Wrong on both counts, you‘re a colossal berk, and you‘re not an airline captain. I don‘t have an airline; I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot dot . Martin: Look, I‘m sorry Carolyn, but I can‘t just magic up extra fuel. Carolyn: Yes, and I can‘t just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the West the West Country. Country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Don‘t tell me you voluntarily went to Br istol? istol?
Douglas: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sir, Carolyn, but Sir quite properly reminded me that Sir is in command, and we should all obey Sir at all times. Carolyn: Who reminded you? Douglas: Captain Crieff, or, as I am privileged to call him, Sir . Sir, I am Sir. Sir. And as Sir, Sir, Carolyn: Martin, you are many things, but believe me, you are not Sir. If anyone is Sir, I am telling you from now on, diversions are out. Martin: I see, so, if an engine catches fire on takeoff, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff, and press on for Portugal. Got it. right, Biggles,, you divert if something goes very very seriously wrong, and I am talking, ―Oh Carolyn: All right, Biggles dear, surely we had two wings when we started‖ wrong. Otherwise… otherwise you press on like a brave little soldier, and you stop treating my company as a bottomless money pit. Martin: That is completely unfair. Carolyn: Is that right? I‘ll tell you what, then. Why don‘t you explain to me why you had the cargo hold heated to thirty to thirty degrees all trip? Martin: Did we? Carolyn: Didn‘t you even know? Martin: Well, the thermostat‘s in the hold, you see, and… the walk ‗round you know, it‘s not secret. Do you Carolyn: You are allowed to look in there when you do the walk know how much it costs to keep a large metal room toasty warm warm thirty thousand feet up in the air? It is surprisingly pricey, so listen, next Thursday you‘re going to Abu to Abu Dhabi, Dhabi, and you‘re going cheap. You will fly the most no-frills, most cost-effective plane itit is possible to fly. You will make EasyJet make EasyJet look like Air like Air Force One, understood? One, understood? Martin: Yes, Carolyn. on Scrooge McDuck Air? McDuck Air? Douglas: And who are the lucky passengers on Scrooge Carolyn: No passengers, some oil exec has moved out there and we‘re bringing him everything he owns: furniture, clothes, carpets, cat… the lot. Martin: Alright, what time‘s the pickup? going to be a pickup. Carolyn: There‘s not going to Martin: What? Carolyn: You remember that thing I said 15 seconds ago about no frills? Well, astonishingly, that‘s still in effect. There will be no taxis; you get to my house at 6:30 and I‘ll drive you. Martin: No, no, no, no, no, I‘m sorry, Carolyn, you simply can‘t treat us like this. Carolyn: Fine. Then do by all means feel free to resign, Martin, and take a job with one of the many companies eager to sign up the only commercial pilot in the skies who took seven goes to get his license. Martin: Look, Carolyn, you cannot penalize me for taking a rational command decision based on reasonable air safety concerns. Carolyn: Yes, I can. Martin: Well, technically you can. Carolyn: Good, then technically I will. Now, please, go and be somewhere else. told. Douglas: Well done, Sir. That‘s her told. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[water sloshing ] [knocking ] Arthur [f r o m o u t s i d e t h e d o o r ]: ]: Morning mum, can I come in? Carolyn: Do you have coffee? Arthur [s t i l l o u t s i d e t h e d o o r ]: ]: Yes. Carolyn: Can I have the coffee without talking to you? Arthur [s t i l l o u t s i d e t h e d o o r ]: ]: Not really. Carolyn: *sighs* Come in, then. [door opening ] [mug clinking ] Do you need a hand? Arthur: Here you go. [mug [water sloshing ] Alright, good girl, awww… [dog [ dog Carolyn: Yes, pass me the shampoo and catch hold of this. [water yipping ] Who‘s going to be a lovely clean doggie? Arthur: You know the chaps‘ll be here soon, don‘t you? Carolyn: What time is it? Arthur: 6:15. Oh, damn. Carolyn: What? Arthur: I‘m trying to train myself to always talk in 24-hour clock like Martin, but I keep forgetting. Carolyn: Well, what should you have said?
Arthur: Well, 6:15, but not the 6:15 I was thinking of. You see, I was thinking of the one there‘s two of, but when you do it right there should only be one, and what I was doing… Carolyn: Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, light of my life, do please shut up. Arthur: Right, yes, sorry. Sorry Mum, I‘m just so excited about the trip. Carolyn: Arthur, you‘ve been on hundreds of trips, hasn‘t the novelty worn off a little? when twelve tons of metal leaves the Arthur: No, never! It‘s just always exciting! That amazing moment when earth… and no one knows why… Carolyn: Yes, we do. reall y. I mean, we know you need wings wings and engines and a sticky-up bit Arthur: Yeah, but, you know… not really. on the end for som e reason, but… it‘s not like we actuall y know why a plane stays in the air. Carolyn: No, no, Arthur, we really do. We, we do, we do know that. Arthur: Oh. How, then? that towel? Carolyn: Well… uh… because… will you give me that [dog whining ] still. Because, there are four forces acting on the the plane. And so Carolyn: Okay, okay, good doggie, keep still. long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies. that no one knows. Arthur: Mum, I don‘t mind that we do! We do! That‘s it! What I said, that‘s how. Carolyn: But we Arthur: Well, what are the four forces then? Carolyn: Yes, well, I will tell you what they are. Lift, weight, uh… Arthur: Up and down? Carolyn: No, no, no, no, no, th- those are up and down. It‘s lift, weight… Arthur: Left and right? Carolyn: No, no, no, no. Lift, weight… Arthur: Engines…? Carolyn: No, no, well, yes, yes, yes, sort of… Um… Thrust , thrust. Lift, weight, thrust, and… Arthur: Time. the engines Carolyn: Drag. Lift, weight, thrust, and drag. So, the weight and drag are overcome because the give the plane thrust and the wings give it lift. And that‘s how a plane flies. Arthur: How do the wings give the lift? Carolyn: What? Arthur: The wings are really heavy. How does bolting two ginormous lumps of metal to a ginormous lump of metal give it lift? Carolyn: Because they are wings. They‘re like birds‘ wings. flaps. But I once watched watched the flaps all the Arthur: Yeah, but birds‘ wings flap. Ours don‘t flap. They‘ve got flaps. way to Stockholm and, take itit from me, they are seriously misnamed. So why does having wings wings make a plane leave the runway? [doorbell rings] rings] Carolyn: Ah, they‘re here. Now, go and wait in the car with them, I need to clean my teeth. wings – Arthur: Yeah, but how do the wings – Carolyn: Answer the door! Arthur: Okay, I‘m going, I‘m going! [to the dog ] There we are, Snoopadoop! Who‘s a lovely clean girl? Carolyn: [to ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[door opening ] Arthur: Hi there Douglas! Douglas: Morning, Arthur. You‘re revoltingly chirpy for half six in the morning. Where‘s your mother? Arthur: She‘s just brushing her teeth. She says to wait there in the car. Where‘s Martin? Arthur [ Arthur enters car ] Douglas: Who can predict the movements of the supreme commander? Perhaps God wanted to pick his brains about something. Arthur: How do you mean? this commanding presence hoving into view? Can it be Sir? Douglas: Nevermind. Ah! What‘s this? Who is this It can! Martin: Morning. Douglas: Greetings, oh Sir. Sir, Douglas. Martin: Don‘t call me Sir, Douglas. Douglas: Sir‘s mind is fickle and changeable. I shall endeavor to remember, Sir, but from time to time, my natural awe at the majestic figure cut by Sir may bubble up uncontrollably, and — you are an hilarious pilot. Where‘s Carolyn? Martin: Thank you Douglas, truly you
Douglas: Sharpening her teeth. Arthur: Brushing. Douglas: Brushing her teeth, yes, sorry. Well, in you get then, Sir of Sirs, you‘re letting the cold in. Martin: I can‘t, you‘re in my seat. Douglas: Your seat? You have a seat? Martin: Yes. Douglas: In Carolyn‟s car? Martin: The front seat is my seat. Douglas: What, did you call shotgun? Martin: I don‘t need to call shotgun, I‘m the captain. Douglas: The captain gets the front seat in the aircraft Martin, because he‘s driving it, not in any vehicle he happens to be in. Martin: I always sit in the front seat in the taxi. Douglas: Only because the taxi goes to your house first. This time, I got here first, and so here I am. Voilà. Arthur: Tell you what, if it makes it easier, I could go in the front. Martin and Douglas: Shut up, Arthur. Martin: Douglas, I‘m supposed to do the briefing. How am I supposed to give the briefing from the back seat? Douglas: I‘ll still be able to hear you, I‘ll be in the same car and everything. And my legs are longer; yards longer. Martin: But, I don‘t… Douglas: Oh all right, I‘ll toss you for it. Martin: Hey, no, that‘s not fair, you know about me and coin tosses. Douglas: Heads or tails? Martin: Oh bloody hell, tails then. [tosses coin] Douglas: Oh. That‘s odd. Martin: Did I win? Did I actually win? That never happens. That‘s the first time in a run of about five hundred. Douglas: Just get on with it. Martin: *sighs happily* Now, that is nice. Comfy. Ahhhh…. Now listen up, chaps, here‘s the briefing, fairly straightforward… weather‘s good, clear skies expected at Abu Dhabi, our alternate is Dubai. I‘ll operate out, Douglas, you operate back, trust that‘s all clear? Douglas: Aye, aye, Captain Ahab. Martin: I suppose he‘s a friend of Captain Bligh, is he? Douglas: The three of you should go for drinks sometime. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[door opening ] Carolyn: Okay, Team Useless, we‘re late Martin: But that‘s because you were – Carolyn: Shut up and listen, here‘s your br iefing: Douglas will operate out, Martin back; clear skies at Abu Dhabi, your alternate is Bahrain. Martin: Carolyn, I‘ve already done the – Carolyn: No, really, shut up and listen. Alternate Bahrain, but of course you don‘t need an alternate, because today‘s the day we try running MJN as a profitable business, rather than a charitable sanctuary for rubbish pilots. Oh, wait, wait, wait a minute. [car stopping ] Martin, swap seats with Douglas. Martin: What? Carolyn: He‘s too tall, I can‘t see out of the back window. [ pause] Well come on, chop chop! Martin: I don‘t believe it! Carolyn: I‘m going to count to one. One! [doors opening and closing ] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Douglas: Look at all this lot: carpets, vases, and a storage heater. Martin: Why would he want a storage heater in Abu Dhabi? Douglas: Well there is a lot of heat to store. Martin: Right, we‘re done. Arthur, we‘re done. Arthur: Coming, Skipper. Martin: What are you doing back there? Arthur: Just trying to soothe the cat.
[cat mewling angrily ] Arthur: Ow! Martin: God, what happened? Arthur: I failed. Douglas: Good heavens, are you alright? Arthur: I think so. He‘s sweet, really. He was just playing. Martin: At what, being a leopard? Douglas: I wouldn‘t have thought he could get his paw through the bars. Arthur: Nor did I. He really can, though. Martin: Do you want to go and sew yourself back together? Arthur: No, I‘m fine…ish. Douglas: It seems so, and now it‘s back to the boring old plane flying. Arthur: Oh, yes, about that, I wanted to ask you something, Skipper. Mum was telling me this morning because they‘ve got wings. Douglas: Is there anything that woman doesn‘t know? Arthur: But she didn‘t really explain, why do wings lift us up? Douglas: Ah, well, ascension – Martin: Uh, Douglas, he asked me. Listen carefully, Arthur. The wing is curved on top but flat on the bottom. When it meets the air it splits it in two. The air that goes over the top has further to go so it has to go faster to keep up with the air underneath. That reduces the pressure above the wing, giving us lift. Arthur: Ah, fantastic! Thanks Skipper, I totally get it now. Martin: You‘re welcome. Arthur: Except… why does it have to? Martin: Why does what what? Arthur: Why does the air on top have to keep up with the air on the bottom? Why don‘t they just split up? Douglas: For the sake of the kids? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: Fuel system checked? Douglas: Checked. Martin: Hydraulics checked? Douglas: Checked. Martin: Transponder checked? Douglas: Like a picnic tablecloth. Martin: In general, plane not broken? Douglas: Plane, so far as one can tell, not broken. Martin: Great. I‘ll go and do the walk around then. Douglas: Not forgetting, of course, to check that the cargo hold temperature – Martin: No, obviously not forgetting that, Douglas; do I have to remind you again who‘s in command? Douglas: Could it by any chance be you, Captain Queeg? Martin: Queeg? You‘re just making them up now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[plane landing ] Tower: Bonjour golf tango india, maintain 340, direction Douglas: Mais oui, mon ami. Out. [clicks off intercom] Martin: Post-takeoff checks complete, Douglas. Douglas: Thank you Captain. Perkins. Martin: Oh, knock it off, Douglas. Douglas: Knock what off? Martin: Yes, alright, I‘ve never head of Captain Perkins, happy now? You win again in the game of referencing fictional captains I don‘t recognize, but d‘you know, that‘s because instead of reading the adventures of Captain Perkins, in my punt at Eton College, Oxford, I was rereading Principles of Climatology for Pilots and underlining bits in red, alright? Douglas: Alright. Feel better? Martin: Yes. Douglas: Good. I said, ―Thank you, Captain. Perkins.‖ Brian Perkins. Martin: Oh. Right. Hanrahan. [ Arthur enters] Arthur: Lunch is served, gents! Douglas: Ah, excellent! What have we today?
Arthur: Oh, heaps of deliciousness. I spent hours on it. Martin: Arthur, I very much hope that you mean by that you spent hours removing the lids from our delicious catered food. Douglas: Which, to be fair, we are perfectly prepared to imagine of you. Arthur: Okay, uh, you see, the caterers were one of the things Mum thought we could tighten our belt around. She thought that with me not having terribly much to do on cargo flights, I could try my hand at doing the meals! Martin: Did she? Did she really? And what have you prepared? Arthur: Well, uh, two separate meals, as per, for someone, this! Martin: My god. Arthur: I call it my orange platter. Douglas: Really? I wonder why. Arthur: Oh, because everything in it— Douglas: Yes, Arthur, I can see why. Martin: What makes the mashed potato orange? Arthur: Cooking it in the same sauce that I used to curry the baked beans. Martin: And the other option? Arthur: Ah-ha! My signature dish! Behold – surprising rice! Douglas: Good lord! Martin: What are those bits? Arthur: Ah, you see, Skipper, if you don‘t mind me saying so, that question is entirely against the spirit of surprising rice. Douglas: Arthur, you‘re aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we can‘t both get food poisoning? There‘s really not much point if you‘re just going to poison us in two different ways. Arthur: Oh, come on, chaps. I tried my hardest, you know? Martin: That‘s what we‘re afraid of. Arthur, sorry, but please, take these away, humanely destroy them, and see if there‘s anything edible on the plane. Douglas, satcom please. [satcom beeping ] Martin: Carolyn, what the hell are you trying to do? Carolyn: What‘s the matter? Has Arthur told you about the accommodation already? I told him to wait till you‘d landed. Martin: Wha- no! What about the accommodation? Carolyn: Oh nothing, nothing! You‘ll love it! It has old world, Bedouin charm. What did you want then? Martin: The food, Carolyn! We‘re skilled professionals doing a difficult and dangerous job, we need proper catering. Carolyn: Skilled professionals don‘t go to Bristol. Ask anyone. Skilled professionals don‘t forget to check the cargo hold heating. Speaking of which, did you check it? Martin: Yes, yes of course I did! How could I forget with everyone reminding me twice a minute? I checked it before the walk ‗round and I checked it after the walk ‗round and it was definitely, definitely off. Douglas: On. Martin: What? Douglas: Sir means on, naturally, it was on. Whoops, must go now Carolyn, here comes a mountain, cheerio! [satcom beeping ] Martin: Douglas, is this some half-baked revenge attempt? Because if so, it‘s really pointless; why would she believe I deliberately turned it on? Douglas: Why indeed, but I had this sort of feeling you might hope she did, what with the cat in the hold and all. Martin: Oh god. Douglas: Precisely. I did try to remind you. Martin: Oh god. Douglas: Yes. Martin: Do you think it‘s dead? Douglas: No, no, definitely not. Not yet. Martin: Oh god. Douglas: Probably feeling the chill, though. Martin: What flight time have you got? Douglas: A little under eight hours. Martin: How long can a cat survive in an unheated hold at thirty-four thousand feet? Douglas: Oh, I used to know this one… It‘s always coming up in pub quizzes. Martin: Yes, alright. Douglas: Now then, is it three hours and twenty-eight seconds, or is that a weasel in a submarine?
Martin: You don‘t know? Douglas: I regret not. But I wouldn‘t hold out too much hope for the answer being eight hours. Martin: Oh god. I‘m going to have to kill the client‘s cat? Douglas: It‘s looking that way. Martin: I can‘t kill the client‘s cat. Douglas: That‘s also true. Martin: Well what else can I do? Douglas: I suppose you could always… Martin: I can‘t! I can‘t divert! She‘ll hunt me down! She‘ll actually hunt m e down with knives. Douglas: Whereas if we carry on and freeze the client‘s cat to death? Martin: Also knives. Big knives. If we, we did carry on and the cat… didn‘t make it… do you think they‘d be able to tell how it died? Douglas: Again, I fear you flatter my knowledge of cat pathology. Martin: I don‘t see how they could, I mean, it‘s not as if it‘s going to freeze into a block of ice, is it? Douglas: Not unless it‘s a cartoon cat, no. Martin: I mean, it‘s not as if the Cat CSI is gonna descend on us. Douglas: I wouldn‘t have thought so; they‘re so busy these days. Martin: I mean, I know it‘s a bit rotten for the cat, but ten thousand pounds to divert is quite a lot, isn‘t it? Douglas: A fair bit. And Carolyn… Martin: And the knives… Yes… so, what do you think? Is that reasonable? That‘s reasonable, isn‘t it? Isn‘t it? Douglas: It‘s a command decision, sir. All yours. Arthur: Right, I found some biscuits and some strepsils; who wants what? Douglas: I think we can probably risk both having the biscuits. Arthur: Skipper, are you alright? Martin: Yes. Arthur: Are you sure? You‘re a sort of grey color. And you didn‘t even try the surprising rice. Martin: I‘m fine. Arthur: No, really, is something – Douglas: Arthur, you were asking why the air over the wing has to keep up with the air underneath. Arthur: Oh, yes, do you know? Douglas: Indeed I do; attend. The air is not passing over the wing; the wing is passing through the air. So, the curved upper side stretches the air forced over it apart, reducing pressure, producing lift. The lift pushes up, the weight pushes down. So as long as the lift is more than the weight, up we go. And that, my friend, is how an aeroplane flies. Arthur: Got it! Right, yes! Cracking! I completely get it now. Douglas: Good. You see, it‘s actually quite easy to grasp when it‘s explained properly by someone who understands. Arthur: So that‘s why planes can‘t fly upside-down! Douglas: Uh… yes they can. Arthur: Can they? Douglas: Well of course they can, haven‘t you seen the Red Arrows? Arthur: But, doesn‘t that mean the curved side of the wing is on the bottom? So the lift is pushing down? As well as the weight? How does that work? Martin: Yes, Douglas, how does that work? Douglas: Well, Arthur, there‘s a very simple explanation, but just to finish what we were saying, Martin, I think it‘s entirely up to you whether you let the cat in the hold freeze to death. Arthur: What?! Martin: Douglas! Arthur: Skipper! Douglas: No one wants to hear the explanation? What a shame. Arthur: Why?! Why would you do that? Martin: I‘m not doing it on purpose, Arthur. Arthur: Then why are you doing it at all? Martin: It seems the cargo hold heating may not have been turned on. Douglas: Masterly use of the passive voice. Arthur: But Skipper, it‘s really cold as high up as this. Martin: Yes, thank you, Professor Science. Arthur: So we should turn the heating on. Martin: Yes, okay, good idea, you can do it, just climb out over the wing, wrench open the hold doors, swing yourself in, and adjust the thermostat. Arthur: Okay, how will I recognize –
