Brene Brown
Daring Greatly by
Brene Brown by Jane Sigford
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Brene Brown Preface: Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. P. 2 We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly. P. 2 Introduction Surest thing I took away from my [bachelor’s, master’s and doctoral] degrees in social work is this: Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering. By accident, Brown became a shame and empathy researcher. Realized she had to study the flip side of shame—What do the people who are the most resilient to shame, who believe in their worthiness have in common? These people (Wholehearted people)— Cultivate: work to let go of: o Authenticity: What people think o Self-Compassion: Perfectionism o Resilient Spirit: Numbing and powerlessness o Gratitude and Joy: Scarcity and fear of the dark o Intuition and Trusting Faith: need for Certainty o Creativity: Comparison o Play and Rest: Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as SelfWorth o Calm and Stillness: Anxiety as a Lifestyle o Meaningful Work: Self-Doubt and “Supposed To” o Laughter, Song and Dance: Being Cool and “Always in control” Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection. Definition of Wholehearted is based on these fundamental ideals: o Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. o Those who feel lovable, who love, and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging. They don’t have fewer struggles or easier lives. o A strong belief in our worthiness is cultivated when we understand guideposts as choices and daily practices o Main concern is to live a life defined by courage, compassion, and connection. o Wholehearted identify vulnerability as the catalyst for courage, compassion, and connection. They attribute everything to their ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences. If we want to reignite innovation and passion, [in the workplace], we have to rehumanize work. When shame becomes a management style, engagement dies.
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In parenting, the mandate is not to be perfect and it is to raise happy children. Perfection doesn’t exist. P14 What we know matters, but who we are matters more. P. 15
Chapter 1 Scarcity: Looking Inside our Culture of “Never Enough” We’re sick of feeling afraid. We want to dare greatly. We’re tired of the national conversation centering on “What should we fear?” and “Who should we blame?” We all want to be brave. Researchers analyzed 3 decades of popular songs. Found a statistically significant trend toward narcissism and hostility in popular music. Also found a decrease in usages such as we and us and an increase in I and me. P. 20 Also found a decline in words related to social connection and positive emotions, and an increase in words related to anger and antisocial behavior. Incidence of narcissistic personality disorder has more than doubled in the US in the last 10 years. Underlying narcissistic behavior is really SHAME. It is more likely the cause of these behaviors. P. 21. It is the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. P. 22 Brown can see how kids that grow up on a steady diet of reality t.v., celebrity culture, and unsupervised social media can absorb the message that ordinary life is a meaningless life and can develop a completely skewed sense of the world. I am only as good as the number of ‘likes’ I get on Facebook or Instagram. P. 23 We need to consider these questions: o What are the messages and expectations that define our culture and how does culture influence our behavior? o How are our struggles and behaviors related to protecting ourselves? o How are our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions related to vulnerability and the need for a strong sense of worthiness? Are we surrounded by narcissists? No. Instead people are afraid of being ordinary and something even deeper—scarcity. Brown can tell when people resonate with a topic when they look away quickly, cover their faces with their hands, respond with “ouch,”, “shut up,” or “get out of my head.” They respond this way when they hear or see the phrase: Never _______________enough. Following are the prompts people respond to: o Never good enough o Never perfect enough o Never thin enough o Never powerful enough o Never successful enough o Never smart enough o Never certain enough o Never safe enough o Never extraordinary enough We get scarcity because we live it. P. 25 We even wake up with the language “I didn’t get enough sleep” so we start the day in that mindset. We exacerbate this issue by constantly comparing ourselves to real or fictional accounts of how great someone else is. Source of scarcity
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Brene Brown Feeling of scarcity does thrive in shame-prone cultures that are deeply steeped in comparison and fractured by disengagement. Brown has seen a change in the last decade with changes in our culture—From 9/11, to multiple wars, to catastrophic natural disasters—we’re surviving evens that have torn at our sense of safety that we’ve experienced them as trauma. Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress. [Question: is part of this issue that we have always had a lot, more than most countries and we’ve come to expect it as our right, our due.? Are we too privileged? Question Mine??] Think about the 3 components of scarcity: 1. Shame: Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and/or to keep people in line? Is self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance? Are blaming and finger-pointing norms? Are put-downs and name-calling rampant? What about favoritism? Is perfectionism an issue? 2. Comparison: Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt or covert comparing and ranking? Has creativity been suffocated? Are people held to one narrow standard rather than acknowledged for their unique gifts and contributions? Is there an ideal way of being or one form of talent that is used as measurement of everyone else’s worth? 3. Disengagement: Are people afraid to take risks or try new things? Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas? Does it feel as if no one is really paying attention or listening? Is everyone struggling to be seen and heard? When Brown looks at these questions and the media, our larger culture and social-economic-political landscape, she answers YES, YES, and YES. Unless we push back on our culture on a daily basis, the default becomes a state of scarcity. We’re called to “dare greatly” every time we make choices that challenge the social climate of scarcity. Counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance—In fact she believes abundance and scarcity are two sides of same coin. The opposite of “never enough” isn’t abundance or “more than you could ever imagine.” The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what she calls Wholeheartedness. At the very core of Wholeheartedness is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough. The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. P. 29 We’re sick of feeling afraid. We all want to be brave. We want to dare greatly. Chapter 2: Debunking the vulnerability Myths [It’s hard to take notes on this chapter because every word and sentence are powerful. Note Mine] Myth # 1: “Vulnerability is Weakness.” When we believe vulnerability is weakness, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on. P. 33 Rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism. P. 33 Vulnerability isn’t good or bad—it’s the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. To love is to be vulnerable. To put your art out there is to be vulnerable.
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Brene Brown The profound danger is that we start to think of feeling as weakness. P. 34 With the exception of anger (which is a secondary emotion, one that only serves as a socially acceptable mask for many of the more difficult underlying emotions we feel), we’re losing our tolerance for emotion and hence for vulnerability. P. 34 It starts to make sense that we dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities. P 35 We have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it. Creating a definition. “Vulnerability is ________ (Here is what some people said) o Sharing an unpopular opinion o Standing up for myself o Asking for help o Saying no o Starting my own business o Helping my 37 year old wife with Stage 4 breast cancer make decisions about her will o Initiating sex with my wife o Initiating sex with my husband o Hearing how much my son wants to make first chair in the orchestra and encouraging him while knowing that it’s probably not going to happen o Calling a friend whose child just died [There are many more examples on pp 36-37. I’m sure you could add your own. Note mine.] Do these sound like weaknesses? NO. Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. P. 37 Yes, we are totally exposed when we are vulnerable. Yes, we’re taking a huge emotional risk How does vulnerability feel? It’s taking off the mask and hoping the real me isn’t too disappointing Not sucking it in anymore It’s where courage and fear meet. Taking off a straitjacket Freedom and liberation Feels like fear, every single time. Letting go of control [There are many more examples pp 38-39. Again, I’m sure you could add your own. Dictionary definition of vulnerability= “capable of being wounded” and “open to attack or damage.” Definition of weakness=inability to withstand attack or wounding. So even the dictionary does not think of vulnerability as weakness. P. 39 Health and social sciences acknowledge that the ability to acknowledge our risks and exposure, greatly increases our chances of adhering to some kind of positive health regimen. It isn’t the level of vulnerability that’s important; it’s the level at which we Acknowledge our vulnerabilities around a certain illness or threat. We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. We’re afraid our truth isn’t enough. P. 41 Here’s the crux of the struggle: o I want to experience your vulnerability but I don’t want to be vulnerable. o Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.
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o I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine. Pp. 42-43. Brown has a vulnerability “prayer.” Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen. The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time. Vulnerability is life’s great dare. P. 43 [I LOVE that line. Note mine] To dare greatly answer the following questions: Are you all in? Can you value your own vulnerability as much as you value it in others?” Answering yes is courage and daring greatly. P. 43.
Myth #2: I don’t do Vulnerability Avoiding vulnerability to protect one’s self doesn’t work. Ask yourself: o What do I do when I feel emotionally exposed? o How do I behave when I’m feeling very uncomfortable and uncertain? o How willing am I to take emotional risks? Experiencing vulnerability isn’t a choice—we only have the choice in how we will respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Myth #3: Vulnerability is letting it all hang out Can there be too much vulnerability. It’s based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. It’s about sharing our feelings and experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement. We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust. Myth #4: We can go it Alone We need support
Chapter 3: Understanding and Combating Shame Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists— it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Shame resilience is key to embracing our vulnerability. Quote from Harry Potter when Sirius told Harry to listen carefully, “You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. P. 61 A sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly, and persevere. Shame keeps us small, resentful, and afraid. P. 65 Peter Sheehan—author, speaker, and CEO of ChangeLabs says, “The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there. That deep fear we all have of being wrong, of being belittled and of feeling less thank is what stops us taking the very risks required to move our companies forward. The notion that the leader needs to be “in charge” and to “know all the answers” is both dated and destructive P. 65 We all carry gremlins with us which are reminiscent of the movie “Gremlins” . They represent the manipulative monsters that derive pleasure from destruction. In many circles, the word gremlin has become synonymous with “shame tape.” P. 66
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Brene Brown Understanding our shame tapes or gremlins is critical to overcoming shame because we can’t always point to a certain moment or a specific put-down at the hands of another person. P. 67 Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet. Shame resilience is the ability to say, “This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame.” P. 67 What is Shame and Why is it so hard to talk about it? 1. We all have it. The only people who don’t are those who lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. 2. We’re all afraid to talk about shame 3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives. Think about it this way: 1. Shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. It’s why we are here. 2. Definition of shame from Brown’s research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. P, 69
12 Shame categories: 1. Appearance and body image 2. Money and work 3. Motherhood/fatherhood 4. Family 5. Parenting 6. Mental and physical health 7. Addiction 8. Sex 9. Aging 10. Religion 11. Surviving trauma 12. Being stereotyped or labeled p. 69 Shame is particularly hard because it hates having words wrapped around it. It hates being spoken. P. 71 Untangling Shame, Guilt, Humiliation, and Embarrassment Difference between shame and guilt. Guilt= “I did something bad. Shame= “I am bad.” p. 71 When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends, or change a behavior that doesn’t align with our values, guilt—not shame—is most often the driving force. We feel guilty when we hold up something we’ve done or failed to do against our values and find they don’t match up. Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. In fact, in my research I found that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better. P. 72
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Brene Brown We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. p. 73 Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all—there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior. In fact, shame is much more likely to be the cause of destructive and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution. P. 73 Humiliation is another word that we often confuse with shame. Donald Klein writes that the difference is that people believe they deserve their shame; they do not believe they deserve their humiliation. P. 73 Embarrassment is he least serious of the 4 emotions. It’s usually fleeting. I get it, shame is bad. So what do we do about it? The answer is resilience. In her research she has found that people who have shame resistance have 4 things in common—elements of shame resilience which is about moving from shame to empathy—the real antidote to shame. Self-compassion is critically important. 4 elements of shame resistance: Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers—Can you figure out what messages and expectations triggered it? Practicing Critical Awareness—Can you reality-check the messages and expectations that are driving your shame? Are they realistic? Attainable? Reaching out—Are you owning and sharing your story? Speaking Shame—Are you talking about how you feel and asking for what you need when you feel shame? Shame resilience is a strategy for protecting connection But it requires cognition or thinking. However, shame may just descend because it highjacks the limbic system to access the fight-or-flight part of the brain instead of the frontal lobe of the thinking brain.
To deal with shame, some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and using shame to fight shame. P. 78
Shame thrives on secrecy. James Pennebaker and colleagues studied what happened when trauma survivors—specifically rape and incest survivors—kept their experiences secret. They found that not discussing the event can be more damaging than the actual event. Men and Women: How they experience shame Differently Men have their own stories too Women’s definition of shame o Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect o Being judged by other mothers. o Being exposed—flawed parts of yourself o No matter what I achieve or how far I’ve come, where I come from and what I’ve survived will always keep me from feeling like I’m good enough o Everyone expects you to do it all o Never enough at home, work, in be, with my parents o No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.
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Brene Brown For women, there is shame about not being thin, young, and beautiful enough. Motherhood is a close second in shame triggers. The real struggles I that we are expected to be perfect and not look as if we are working for it. Often double-bind e.g. be perfect but don’t look like it’s an effort. o Don’t upset anyone but say what’s on your mind o Dial sexuality way up but dial it down at PTO meeting o Be yourself but not if it means being shy or unsure o Don’t make people feel uncomfortable but be honest o Don’t’ get too emotional but don’t be too detached. Research has found that most important attributes associated with being feminine are being nice, pursing a thin body ideal, showing modesty by not calling attention to one’s talents or abilities, being domestic, caring for children, investing in a romantic relationship, keeping sexual intimacy contained within one committed relationship Using resources to invest in appearance. How Men experience Shame Failure. At work, football field, in marriage, in bed, with money. Wherever failure is Being wrong Being defective If people think you’re soft, not tough Revealing any weakness Showing fear Being seen as “the guy you can shove up against the lockers” Being criticized or ridiculed Overall rule for men—don’t be weak. We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. There is also a cultural message that promotes homophobic cruelty. To be masculine you must show an outward disgust toward the gay community. P. 108
Not to simplify but there seems to be 2 responses to shame for men: getting pissed off or shutting down. If men don’t develop a response to shame, they feel that rush of inadequacy and smallness that precipitates a response of anger and/or completely turning off. P. 97 Shame resilience is about finding a middle path that allows us to stay engaged and find the emotional courage to respond in a way that aligns with our values Research shows that we judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. In schools 2 patterns emerge: Children who bully or put others down often have parents who exhibit that behavior . The 2nd pattern relates to the age when the patterns emerge. The bullying is starting in much younger children When we enter gender straitjackets, our shame triggers get reinforced. The role playing becomes almost unbearable around midlife. Men feel increasingly disconnected, and the fear of failure becomes paralyzing. Women are exhausted and they begin to see clearly that the expectations are impossible.
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If we’re going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly. P. 110 Chapter 4: The Vulnerability Armory Being able to take away the mask comes from a sense of worthiness, boundaries, and engagement. At the core is the belief that I am enough (worthiness vs. shame, I’ve had enough (boundaries vs. one-uping and comparison, Showing up, taking risks and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement vs. disengagement) We all have a “common vulnerability arsenal” that we incorporate into our armor. They are: foreboding joy, perfectionism, and numbing. 1. Foreboding joy: Joy is probably the most difficult emotion to really feel. Because when we lost the ability or willingness to be vulnerable, joy becomes something we approach with deep foreboding. a. In a culture of deep scarcity, joy can feel like a setup—too good to be true. b. In times of deep joy people feel like they are at their most vulnerable, e.g. having a baby, getting promoted c. This is a way to minimize vulnerability by “rehearsing tragedy.” d. Accompanying joy is the invitation to practice gratitude. P. 123 Can’t talk about joy without talking about gratitude. e. Practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there’s enough and that we’re enough. f. Joy comes to us in ordinary moments and we risk missing out on it if we get too busy chasing the extraordinary. g. Be grateful for what you have. h. Don’t squander joy≥ 2. Perfectionism: It’s NOT: same thing as striving for excellence, self-improvement, key to success. a. It’s self-destructive and addictive b. It doesn’t exist and it’s unattainable c. Addictive—we become entrenched in the quest 3. Numbing a. One of universal strategies is to be “crazy-busy.” b. Anxiety and disconnection are drivers of numbing in addition to shame. c. Anxiety—fueled by uncertainty, overwhelming and competing demands on our time, and social discomfort. d. Numbing is a way to take edge off instability and inadequacy. e. Shame often leads to desperation. f. The literal chemical anesthetizing of emotions is just a pleasant, albeit dangerous, side effect of behaviors that are more about fitting in, finding connection, and managing anxiety. P. 141 Strategies to lead a Wholehearted life, away from numbing: 1. Learn how to actually feel their feelings 2. Stay mindful about numbing behaviors Jsigford
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Brene Brown 3. Learn how to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions. The group that struggled the most with numbing explained that reducing anxiety meant finding ways to numb it, not changing the thinking, behaviors, or emotions that created anxiety. We have to believe we are worthy enough in order to say “Enough!” p. 145 For us to experience deep love and belonging, we must feel worthy of it. Definition of connection: energy created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment Belonging: Innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Care and Feeding of our Spirits What is line between pleasure or comfort and numbing? --It’s WHY you do it that makes a difference. P. 146 Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my Wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching? Shields against vulnerability: 3 most popular are foreboding joy, perfectionism, and numbing. There are less frequent ones: 1. Vikings or Victims: Most who view the world this way are men, but there are women too. They often work in careers that reinforce this viewpoint e.g. military, law, technology, finance. When we lead from this mindset, we crush faith, innovation, creativity, and adaptability to change. p 155 This Viking or Victim armor can perpetuate a sense of ongoing victimhood for people who constantly struggle with the idea that they’re being targeted or unfairly treated. People can occupy 2 positions—power over or powerlessness which leaves little hope for transformation and meaningful change because of the extreme roles. Redefining Success, Reintegrating vulnerability, and seeking support In Viking/Victim mentality—important to examine how one defines success. Fear and scarcity fuel the Viking-or-Victim approach and part of reintegrating vulnerability means examining shame triggers. This is particularly important with our returning vets—For soldiers serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, coming home is more lethal than being in combat. P. 153 Trauma and Daring Greatly Why do some people survive trauma? --Resilience. Plus, those who see the world through the Victim/Viking lens feel impossible or even deadly to let go of that worldview. Research participants who survived trauma and are living Wholehearted lives spoke about the need to: Acknowledge the problem Seek professional help/support Work through the accompanying shame and secrecy Approach reintegration of vulnerability as a daily practice rather than a checklist item. 2 examples of oversharing in our culture: floodlighting and smash and grab
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Brene Brown Floodlighting: Sharing something and expecting that suddenly we are BFFs forever. Usually we do this gradually. When we share vulnerability, with someone with whom there is no connectivity, their emotional and sometimes physical response is often to wince as though we have shone a floodlight into their eyes. It’s rare that we’re able to stay attuned when someone’s oversharing has stretched past our connectivity with them. P. 140 Sometimes we aren’t aware that we are oversharing. Think of only sharing experiences you have worked through and feel that you can share from solid ground. P. 141. Also don’t share stuff you are working through with your own unmet needs. Think about Why am I sharing this? What outcome am I hoping for? What emotions am I experiencing? What are my intentions? Is this in the service of connection? Am I genuinely asking people for what I need? Pp. 141-143. Smash and Grab If floodlighting is about misusing vulnerability, smash and grab is about manipulation—it’s about smashing through social boundaries with intimate information, then grabbing attention and energy you can get your hands on. o Feels like a false attempt at intimate connection Another shield is serpentining—running zigzag from the issue to dodge vulnerability rather than hit it head on. We use it dodge, hide out. o To counteract this, when we feel like zigzagging away is to be present, pay attention, and move forward. Another shield is cynicism, criticism, cool, and cruelty. Whenever you Dare Greatly and put yourself out there, you will be subject to criticism, cynicism, etc. If someone doesn’t “do” vulnerability, and they see someone out there who is Daring Greatly, the someone is likely to attack with cynicism, criticism, cool, or cruelty because the fear of vulnerability is the driver. Cynicism and cool are very common in middle and high school. As adults, we also use cool by using our titles, positions, education, etc. o To counteract this, it is not good for us if we stop caring because that makes us lose our capacity for connection. If we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable. If we dismiss all important criticism, we lose out on important feedback. Shame resilience is the answer and our safety net is the one or two people in our lives who can help us reality-check. o People who criticize others constantly use criticism as a way to be heard. If you don’t feel comfortable owning it [your comments], then don’t say it. P. 170 Then personally, only pay attention to the criticism from people who are also Daring Greatly and out there in the “arena.” Being vulnerable and present. Brown also carries a list of people who matter. (1 or 2 people who are true friends. ) When criticized, she looks at that list and evaluates if she is trying to gain the approval of strangers when what matters are the true friends on the list. Chapter 5: Mind the Gap: cultivating Change and Closing the Disengagement Divide Minding the Gap is daring—it’s paying attention to the space where we’re actually standing and where we want to be.
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Brene Brown Brown argues that disengagement is issue underlying majority of problems she sees in families, schools, communities, and organizations. We disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerability, shame, and feeling lost and without purpose. We also disengage when we feel like our leaders aren’t living up to their end of the social contract, e.g. politicians, religious leaders and other leaders How does this gap occur from what is espoused to what is done? o Value gap—gap from our practiced values (what we’re actually doing, thinking, and feeling and our aspirational (what we want to do, think, and feel)values. The most dehumanizing cultures foster the highest levels of disengagement. o Examples of gaps in families: o Aspirational value—honesty and integrity; practiced value=rationalizing and letting things slide o Aspirational=respect and accountability; practiced—fast and easy is more important o Aspirational=gratitude and respect; Practiced=teasing, taking for granted, disrespect o Aspirational=setting limites; Practiced—rebellion and cool are important o Examples of Aligned Values: o Aspirational=emotional connection and honored feelings; Practiced=emotional connection and honored feelings We have to pay attention to the space between where we’re actually standing and where we want to be. P. 191 Chapter 6: /disruptive Engagement: Daring to rehumanize education and work To reignite creativity, innovation, and learning, leaders must rehumanize education and work. This means having honest conversations about vulnerability and recognizing and combating shame. P. 184 Most people and most organizations can’t stand the uncertainty and risk of real innovation. Learning and crating are inherently vulnerable. There’s never enough certainty. [Underlining mine]. People want guarantees. P. 186 Shame breeds fear. It crushes our tolerance for vulnerability, thereby killing engagement, innovation, creativity, productivity, and trust. It can ravage organizations before we see one outward sign of a problem. Blaming, gossiping, favoritism, name-calling, and harassment are all behavior cues that shame has permeated a culture. A more obvious sign is when shame becomes an outright management tool. P. 189 Brown has never been to a shame-free school or organization, p. 189 [That’s a powerful statement. Note mine] 85% of research participants recall a school incident from their childhood that was shaming. P. 189 [That’s a lot!!! Note mine] When students were told they weren’t good artists, writers, good at math, etc. Corporations have issues too. 37% of US workforce say they were bullied at work. When we see shame being used as management tool we need to take direct action because it means we have an infestation on our hands. P. 190 Jsigford
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Shame can only rise so far in any system before people disengage to protect themselves. When we’re disengaged, we don’t show up, we don’t contribute, and we stop caring. P. 192 There can be external threats that cause shame [NCLB report cards and being on AYP, for example. Note mine] As a leader it is important to speak out public media abuse because our employees are affected. Blame Game: If blame is driving, shame is riding shotgun. Blaming and finger-pointing are often symptoms of shame in organizations. Blame is the discharging of pain and discomfort. Nothing productive about blame. P. 195 Cover-Up Culture: Cover-up depends on shame to keep folks quiet. P. 195 4 strategies for building shame-resilient organizations: 1. supporting leaders who are willing to dare greatly and facilitate honest conversations about shame and cultivate shame-resilient cultures 2. Facilitating a conscientious effort to see where shame might be functioning in the org. and how it might even be creeping into the way we engage with our co-workers and students 3. Normalizing is a critical shame-resilience strategy. Leaders and mgrs can cultivate engagement b helping people know what to expect 4. Training all employees on the differences between shame and guilt, and teaching them how to give and receive feedback in a way that fosters growth and engagement. Minding the Gap with Feedback We’ve become so driven by metrics that we are not giving feedback as much. Without feedback there can be no transformative change. Disengagement follows. P. 197 People are desperate for feedback—they want to grow. Discomfort is normal, it’s going to happen. As leaders we need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach people around us how to accept discomfort as part of growth. Can view feedback from strengths perspective and we can inventory how to use those strengths to address related challenges. P. 200 Vulnerability is at the heart of feedback process. P. 201 Sometimes we “armor up” to protect ourselves when we give feedback. We may say things like, “They deserve to be hurt or put down. “ Brown has learned that when she is feeling self-righteous, it means she is afraid. P. 202. One way to give feedback from “right” place is to sit at the same side of the table or take the desk away from separating the person giving feedback from the person receiving it. P. 204. Giving and receiving feedback is about learning and growth. P. 206 Seth Grodin in Tribes: We Need you to Lead us, If you’re not uncomfortable in your work as a leader, it’s almost certain you’re not reaching your potential as a leader.” P. 211 Brown has a Daring Greatly Leadership Manifesto on p. 212 There is also a copy on her website www.brenebrown.com Chapter 7: Wholehearted Parenting: Daring to be the adults we want our children to be Parenting is a shame and judgment minefield precisely because most of us are wading through uncertainty and self-doubt when it comes to raising our children. P. 216 There is no such thing as perfect parenting and there are no guarantees. Who we are and how Jsigford
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Brene Brown we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting. P. 216 Shame research begins in families. Our stories of worthiness—of being enough—begin in our first families. Powerful parenting opportunities lie in teaching our children resilience in the face of relentless “never enough” cultural messages. P.217 If we want our children to love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are. P. 219 If we constantly model that we must be perfect, our children will adopt that attitude. P. 222 Shame is so painful for children because it is inextricably linked to the fear of being unlovable. P. 225. Messages should be “You are making a mess” NOT “You ARE a mess.” NOT “Bad girl.” But “ You made a bad choice.” P. 225 Childhood experiences of shame change who we are, how we think about ourselves, and our sense of self-worth. P. 226 Basically, we can’t raise children who are more shame resilient than we are. P. 226 A lot of parenting books use shame as a tool—“You have to breastfeed in a certain way for example” One of the best ways to show our children that or love for them is unconditional is to make sure they know they belong in our families. One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, ,,,doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. P. 232 Parents who raise Wholehearted children let their children struggle and experience adversity. P. 238 Hope is a function of struggle. P. 239 Hope is a way of thinking, not an emotion p. 239 Hope is learned! P. 240 If we’re always following our children into the arena [where the struggle is and being vulnerable], hushing the critics, and assuring their victory, they’ll never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own. P. 240 She has a Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto on p. 244-5. Plus, it’s on her website www.brenebrown.com Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It’s about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But nothing is as uncomfortable or dangerous as believing that I’m standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen. P. 249
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