IS IT WHAT IT IS - Friend with benefits by Pauldine France Feb 4, 2011 This is a post about the hush hush topic of the booty calls, ore specifically the "friend" with benefits. This type of relationship is one that is supposed to be based on mutual understanding of privacy, undefined timelines (continuance and frequency) of the encounters, comfort with the partner, ease combined with access and primarily physical with a small percentage based on a "click". This is to be the simplest form of sexual encounters which has some dignity, not to mention, a better sense of dependability, above the one-night-stand. Attraction + Access + Horny + Clarity on in-exclusivity and maybe some conversation and cuddling to boot = Perfection for a single person (hopefully)! This is trully THE cake and eating it too (no pun intended). So why do some people make it so damn complicated??? This is why I decided to write a non-exclusive list of that it takes to make this kind of a relationship work and not (Disclaimer - IF a serious relationship is not what you or they don't want any time soon): 1- It won't last forever so you always have to be prepared to let it go. Why? Maybe one of the partners starts dating someone else seriously and doesn't want to cheat. Maybe the naughty allure goes away and it becomes habitual. Maybe there is just a better option. Maybe you/they think because you/they are violating some of the rules in this list that you are getting attached. Whatever it is, you just have to keep in mind to enjoy it while it lasts. 2- NEVER discuss anything which includes both of you in future tense, especially if it doesn't include a bed or place where sex is possible. Example: let's go to the beach next week....Will you be here this weekend (unless you or they live out of town)...Uh I think I'm going to have my period...Me and the Boys are going to watch the game on Friday, wanna come? Why?.. because this will share the crap out of a commitment phobe. It gives the impression that the relationship is less about the "urge and click" and becoming part of the life and company...maybe more. 3- GUYS: If you start inviting a girl out in public and hanging out with her just for company , there is a 80% chance that no matter how "cool" and "understanding" she is, she is going to start getting mixed signals. At least 50% are going to think..."wow, I'm sure there are other girls and he asked me". She may say that to some of her lonely friends or mother desperate to get her married then they start feeding her with HOPEFUL stories (ref my blog post called Cover to my pot..the Story continues). Then you add confusion. This is not fair to her. 4 -GALS: Don't enter this type of an arrangement hoping that he'll change his mind and make you his girl. I've heard this a million times!! AHHH! The "you-never-know" girls. The "I-canchange-him" chicks. The "I'm-the-best-for-him" dreamer. The he-keeps-coming-back-for-more" delusion. One thing most women don't get is the "IT IS WHAT IT IS" concept. We are feed so
many fairy tale endings that we create in our mind an ideal ending before the characters are even in play! This has a 15% chance in my observation. ONLY in Poker can one, place an all-in bet on a 15% probability and hoping to win on a bluff. You are his go-to, reliable, understanding, easy sex partner. He has to become the same thing to you in your mind. Nothing more , nothing less. Anything that grows out of that should be a cherry on the cake and surprise. 5- NEVER say "we need to talk". There are only a few things that means and none of it is good. Pregnancy, STD, Money loan request, Relationship future clarity, Feeling discussion or ending things. Unless you have money missing from your wallet, those are the only topics I can come up with. Anyone of those topics can destroy the entire thing so be realistic of the possible consequences. I suggest dropping some hints, using stories of other people (real or imaginary) and see how they react first. 6- GALS: Don't go over if you have your period. Period. 7- Don't call/text everyday and/or hook up more than 3 times a week....you are edging towards "serious" territory 8- Don't be shocked if you see them in public with another person. Remember, you are supposed to be understanding. you are supposed to be dating others too. Give a casual wave or if close, cheek kiss. Also you have no right to get jealous. Remember just because you decided, your partner is enough for your urges, doesn't mean its the same for them. So don't try to kill their game! And, don't ask follow up questions unless they volunteer. finally, don't hate on the other person. IT IS WHAT IT IS. 9- If condoms are not being used, that's yo problem (with gangster swag). What me to use another gambling analogy? Didn't think so. You got it... 10- You must NOT leave your belongings at their place! no toothbrushes, underwear, gym bag..whatever. Its a game kill AND territorial! this over steps the boundaries again. 11- Don't go telling everybody. Have some decency and respect towards the other person. Jeez! We are not in high school anymore (at least I hope no one that needs this advice is..eek!) 12- These relationships are not supposed to have fights or be therapy sessions. They are meant to be freeing, fun, relaxing, and as nasty as you want to be. Check your issues and "am I fat" questions at the door. Once sensitivities, jealousy, personal issues, ex s (or currents), etc come into play....its time for an exit strategy. BONUS and BIGGIE: Valentine's Day...hummmm. Do you give something or not? What if they don't get you anything? Something small? What if I give off the wrong signal? What if they think I'm over stepping the boundaries?... Come on people! It's Valentine's day and you guys have SEX so be mature and nice..just give them something. Panties, body oil, new sheets? Whatever
represents your arrangement. Nothing too personal, at least the first year or if Valentine's day falls within the first 4 months of your encounters. Now the real question is whether you guys should spend it together..... I'm not a genius folks. Figure the last bit yourselves because I have no idea. :-) Ps..Other DISCLAIMER...Percentages above do not represent and real quantitative analysis... my random assumptions. LOL
